I can’t believe I haven’t posted anything since May – and here it is October! A lot has been going on for sure. Some of it has been tough, but I lean heavily on God and He always sees me through!
As mentioned in this previous post, my daughter and son-in-law moved down south. They are doing well though we are all missing each other like crazy. My daughter had some serious home-sickness going on for a bit – but I think she is doing better now.
They both came back up a few weeks ago for a visit. While here, many of their friends came out to the house for a little party. It sure was fun seeing everyone together again! And most recently they were here for the wedding of ‘my other daughter’ – as you may have read on previous posts….she is my daughter’s best friend. They call each other ‘sister’ and I’m ‘Mom’ to her.
I also mentioned that the new job I got after being laid-off was not very enjoyable. I didn’t want to complain about the job I had after losing the other one…but I was miserable. I didn’t want to come across as being ungrateful. It was during this time though, that I started learning that I was not leaning on God as much as I thought.
I was so ‘worried’ about being laid-off that I grabbed the first job that came along rather than praying about it and relying on God to open doors for me. Again, which has been typical in my life, I was trying to be in control and manipulate my situation.
If you read this earlier post of mine, then you will understand my thought process here. Of course it wasn’t until after I started the new job and began to reflect on my situation that I came to realize that I was still struggling with ‘unbelief’. Though I had faith that God would provide, my unbelief came about in thinking that I needed to jump on that job because there might not be another offer rather than waiting on Him. So I spent almost 6 months in a job that I was unhappy with and that was not a good fit – for me or the employer.
During this time, I kept studying and learning about God’s grace and His desire to provide for us, His children. Most recently it dawned on me….
Just as an earthly parent, God does not want His children to suffer, be ill, in pain or live in poverty. He wants only the best for us. I have always said I believed that….but I think deep down I always felt like I wasn’t living up to whatever it was in my mind that I thought I should be or be doing for Him. I felt that because I was ‘failing’ or falling short of what I thought He wanted….then why would He shower me with abundance? If I couldn’t take care of the little, why would He give me more?
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not talking about doing ‘works’ in order to get to heaven. But just as with my own children….they may do things that are not what I would choose for them…and they may even disappoint me from time to time. But would I want them to suffer, do without, hurt? No way! So why would I assume God would be any different?
I heard someone say that maybe we shouldn’t be asking God for ‘just enough’ – meaning, why do we ask Him for things like giving us just enough to live comfortably, or feel better, or pay our bills? We are children of God. We were made righteous by Christ. So we should claim it! We have power through Christ!
So I recently sat down and had a lengthy conversation with my Father. And I laid it all at the feet of my Savior. It finally made sense to me! I gave thanks. I cried. And rejoiced. And cried some more. But afterwards I felt so much lighter and I could definitely feel a difference. The burdens were gone.
Very shortly after that…things started happening for me:
First of all, I hurt my back carrying something at work that was WAY to heavy. And I was laying in bed on the 3rd night of the worst pain I have ever been in. But through the misery – I kept repeating thanks over and over for the healing. And sure enough, the pain went away without seeking medical care.
Every time I found my mind wanting to head down in the dumps or start with the negative thoughts – I would correct myself and say thanks to my Father. I gave thanks for my healing (we are healed by his stripes….) and thanks for His provision. Let me tell you….it was not – and still isn’t – a natural or automatic thing for me. I am so used to thinking ‘here we go again’ or something negative…and then gearing up to deal with it. So, I have had to repeat many, many times that I do not have to carry the burden….God’s got this!
Next, I got a call from someone that I have always considered a mentor of mine. I had worked with him in the past and though we parted ways years ago, I would still do some ‘virtual assistant’ jobs for him from time to time. I also know his boss – the owner of the company in which he works now – from that same time period in our past. He asked me to stop in to help them with some personnel issues. I agreed.
When I got there, both of them were there telling me about how some things had changed within the company – and they wanted to offer me a job!!! You have to understand – I have wanted to work for them for years! And here it was, out of the clear blue, being offered! Needless to say, I accepted the job.
Within the first week – I was given a raise…to cover the healthcare premiums – so that it wouldn’t cut into my take home pay. Can you believe that!? I was also assured that I would be getting my pay bumped up very soon.
Then came the realization that I was most likely going to lose my insurance on my home – due to ‘forgetting’ (Fibro Fog) to pay it…and my first check was coming in exactly one week later than the cut-off date. Again I found myself starting to get stressed. But I reminded myself that God’s got this….and I was just along for the ride.
Sure enough – no quicker had those thoughts crossed my mind when my boss asked me how I was with the gap between my last job’s payday and this one. I told him I was figuring it out. He told me to give him a figure and he would advance it to me. I did. He did. When I asked about re-paying it…..I was told not to worry about it right now. So, house insurance was paid – literally within 4 hours of it being cancelled!
For many – this may sound like small potatoes….but for me – this is huge! For the first time in my life, I feel that things are going to be good for me! I no longer feel like I screwed up and therefore it is what it is! Of course there will still be things to come up and I will probably have to remind myself another few hundred times to let things go….but I’m confident that it will become easier as I’m growing and learning more!
Next on my list is my health – again, I’ve spoken with God about this and I am confident that my body is repairing itself and I will no longer suffer. For now, I find that when I’m getting caught up in the ‘unbelief’ – my Fibro starts acting up. Once I claim healing and refuse to worry about the situation the symptoms recede. I believe that for now this is my little reminder to help get me back on track. But I also fully believe that I am healed and that my healthy body will manifest once I learn to accept the gift given to me.
And finally…..relationships. I’m not sure where I’m going here yet. But I’m trusting God to lead me. At the moment, with all of the pain and mistrust I’ve experienced in this area….I do not want an intimate relationship with another man…ever! But at the same time, I find myself lonely and wishing for companionship. However, I will wait on my Father and see what He has in mind for me. Maybe it’s more than I can ever dream of…..or maybe I’m not supposed to have another man in my life….either way, I’m good with that.
F.R.O.G. = Fully Relying On God…..that’s the fun part….once you learn to relax and go with it!
So, things have been hectic to say the least. Our divorce was final on July 5th. And I took him to the airport on the 6th – so he could take off to Mexico and be with the one he claims to love. How crazy is that!?!? Most people think I’m nuts for doing that. But my reasoning is that I could then know 100% where my son was when the ‘ex’ was leaving the country. I wish I could say I trust him to do the right thing when it comes to our son….but honestly, I don’t know who he is anymore. His own family and coworkers say the same thing. No one knows how one person could possibly change so completely. How can one’s personality completely change practically over night?
It’s pretty sad. As mentioned in numerous posts, I hate that we couldn’t make it work. But more than that – if we couldn’t succeed….I was hoping that we could be on friendly terms for our son’s sake. And so far, I believe my son has not felt any ill feelings or animosity between us. HOWEVER….I’m not sure how long I can take the hidden agendas and secrets and back-stabbing that comes from his father. He is really good at manipulating people. He plays mind-games. And if you aren’t careful, you get caught up in it before you know it!
I could go on and on about all of the manipulation he’s attempted lately….but I’ve decided to move on and I don’t care to rehash it. I can say however, that I truly believed that I had forgiven him…but after some things I’ve discovered recently (some of which proves that he was in this relationship PRIOR to his leaving – as I suspected and he denied)….I am going to have to work on the forgiveness again. Because right now, I’m pissed.
I have also decided to take charge of my life in other areas too. For as many years as I can remember, I’ve allowed my life to revolve around men. All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved and wanted by a man. This doesn’t mean that I can’t stand on my own two feet….because I can. I have in the past and can again. But I prefer to be in a relationship. However, because of this way of thinking – I depended too much on man to complete my world. To make me happy. To feel loved and worthy. And, of course, I’ve been let down greatly because let’s face it – we humans are…..human.
I know that I should have had my focus on God first. Actually, I thought I had that one down. But for the past few years, I’ve come to realize that I did not put God first. I am still struggling with that. I want to depend on God and have that relationship that I’ve always desired. But I can’t seem to ‘remember’ to put Him first. I can’t ‘remember’ to go to Him daily. I can’t ‘remember’ to read His word.
I don’t know if it’s all of the stress I’ve been under for so long or the ‘fibro-fog’ or peri-menopause that has my brain barely functioning any more. But I do good to make it through the day anymore. My mind is so scattered. Forget about reading. Or praying most days. It’s not on purpose…..I just can’t slow down….or when I do, I fall asleep. Part of it is that I just can’t bring myself to think too deeply for too long. I guess I’m afraid that I might have to deal with some issues or emotions that I just don’t think I can handle right now. Does that make sense?
This has led me to consider making a few more changes in my life. My job for one. I have come to the conclusion that I need a change. If I simply processed paperwork – it wouldn’t be so bad. But, because I also have to deal with everyone complaining and whining….it’s gotten really old. I do not believe I’ve ever seen so many ugly, hateful acting people in my life! For a place where we are supposed to have a heart for others….there sure is a lot of backstabbing and lying and outright deceit. Oh don’t get me wrong…I understand that this goes on in most places. But not to this extent, believe me!
Then when you add that somewhere, somehow the employees feel entitled to have everything their way and immediately. They do not feel accountable for anything and they don’t care about their responsibilities. It definitely makes you dread going to work.
So, I find myself thinking about other employment these days. Problem is….I don’t have a college degree. I have a couple of certificates of completion….but no actual degree. Yes, I could go back to school….but again, I don’t think my brain and my stress limit will allow for this. The other problem is pay. When I look around at what people are being paid…..I feel I better stay where I’m at for now. I guess you could say that I’ve kind of worked myself into a corner and can find no way out just yet.
The other is my daughter. I love, love, love her. And she has been a great kid. I’m proud of her. However, she’s been going through some stuff of her own. I believe that my divorce was the breaking point for her. He and she got along great in the beginning….but as the years passed by, it became more strained until it was complete bitterness. He played mind games with her too many times. He hurt her greatly. BUT – bottom line was that he was her ‘dad’ when her own dad was nowhere to be found all her life.
So, when we split up….she became very angry. She was/is constantly mad at everyone around. No one can do right by her. She became the most hateful and hurtful person to me…..I’ve never experienced anything like it. And most times, I simply sat there stunned and looked at her because I had no idea who she was anymore. She and I were always close and could talk about anything….but that is no more. I was to the point of telling her to pack her things and move out (she’s almost 19 now).
She then decided to go ahead with her plans for school (after taking a year off). However, she needs me to pay for part of it because her scholarship and grants won’t pay for it all. I agreed to help her on one condition – and that is she has to seek counseling to work through the anger and whatever else she is experiencing. She agreed.
So here we are. I have decided to take no more bull from the ‘ex’, the angry daughter and/or the folks at work who seek to make life miserable for everyone around them. Don’t bother….I won’t accept being walked on any longer!
I’m also considering a move. I like small towns. I’m sick of the big ones. I don’t need to live where there are nightclubs etc. I want peaceful. I want simple. Less stress. I want friendly faces that you recognize. And I want water (we are all running out of water due to the drought in this area). I now have to find one where I can make a living….
So like I said in the title….Life Goes On…..and I will continue…..and I will strive for happiness and contentment…..and guess what? I WILL SUCCEED~!!!
First of all, I’ve been working through the pain. And the anger. And everything else that goes along with being betrayed by the one you love. The one you thought you would spend your life with. The one you trusted to always be there.
During this process – and from the very beginning when he walked out on us, actually – we have not told many people about it. At first I thought we were in agreement as to the reasons why – but I can now say that we had totally different reasons for this arrangement. I was trying to remain ‘professional’ because we work at the same place – and expected to be leaders in the organization. And of course, I am always concerned for the ripple-effect to the kids. Even our young son…eventually he will see and hear things.
But, it seems his motives were not the same. I say this because he couldn’t control himself – acting like a child – he had to post things on a social networking site that many of our friends, family and coworkers also use. These things? His girlfriend started connecting to my friends and posting pics of each other separately and together….and they both declared their love for each other and the countdown until their next encounter (remember, she doesn’t live in this country).
All I know to do is make sure that I keep my emotions in check and pray, pray, pray. Our divorce will be final by mid-summer and he will be moving on in his relationship with her. I have no intentions of getting into that again, thank you very much. I will focus on my relationship with God – whom I am starting to see I should have depended on MUCH more than I have throughout my life! You see…..for as strong as I’ve always considered myself…..and as much as I have always ‘believed’ in God…..I am starting to figure out that I tend to depend on the men in my life to make me happy and to feel secure instead of God first.
So, here we go on this ‘self-discovery’ journey. And this journey where God is having to thump me on the head a time or two in order for me to wake up! LOL
Besides the marriage/divorce drama there really are other things going on in my life these days. My daughter is ‘officially’ engaged. Am I happy about this? Um……not exactly. Don’t get me wrong, her beau is a great young man and I couldn’t ask for a better one to be dating my daughter. BUT – I wish they would wait a little longer. Granted, they don’t plan to marry for 2 more years – which is good, for sure…..but I wish they would wait even longer. But that’s a mom for ya – right!? 😀
So far, they have the location picked out, the dress is being paid for, the engagement ring has been purchased and presented, the colors and the hairstyle has already been selected. Um….does anyone other than me see this thing happening BEFORE the 2 year mark????? Ahhhhhh……………young love! Dear Father, please bless these two young people as they journey together in life. May their relationship be a lasting and loving one!
We had a recent scare with my dad. He is in his early 70’s and tend to try to self-doctor/medicate himself. Unfortunately he waited a little too long before seeking professional medical care for a spot on his ear. It was diagnosed as a type of skin cancer that if left unattended long enough can get into the lymph system. So we waited for the test results and prayed. Thankfully, it had not gotten that bad. However, they had to do Mohs’ surgery on it and remove about a third of his ear.
Work is pretty much the same. There are always those who have no other pleasure in their lives other than to see how miserable they can try to make others. Or how they can destroy a coworkers livelihood. I am always puzzled by these type of folks. I simply can’t imagine doing that to another human being – no matter how much I may dislike them. And why in the world would you want to spend your entire day being ugly and hateful and mean?
A classmate of mine passed away recently. It definitely makes you take a closer look at your life. At your relationships. Evidently it has had that effect on my other classmates. We are all connecting on a social network and keeping each other up to date on our lives. It’s been nice. Also makes you feel kind of…..old. I definitely don’t care to go back to my high school years….but my mid to late twenties would be okay! LOL
Okay….so now you are up to speed and I am current on this blog. Stay tuned for more to come…..I promise to add more interesting articles and maybe a few write ups from my friends! See ya…..
He told me one day that he never knew what love felt like. Meaning, he didn’t ever feel it for me. Nice to know 9+ years later.
Yesterday, I spotted where he had posted on FB that he loved some other chick. I sent him a message – trying to be strong – and mature about it…..simply stating that it was a painful thing to see AND that until our marriage was officially dissolved, I would appreciate his being a little more discrete in his actions.
He apologized today. He said it was an error on FB – that it was meant to be a private message. Whatever…..it still hurts. So, it started the conversation….bottom line, he claims the only reason why he married me was for sex. Stating that I had said that I wouldn’t have a sexual relationship unless married. I honestly don’t recall that conversation….but so what? Really? Marriage JUST for sex!?!?!?!? I can’t seem to wrap my brain around this one, folks.
He also states that this is ‘why they are waiting a year before getting into a more serious relationship’ – they (he and his new love) want to make sure it’s right. And he’s sure it is.
I told him that I thought it was all a fantasy. Meaning that it’s always easy to reminisce (this is an old school friend) and dream of what might be when you are having troubles. And it’s easily a matter of the grass being greener when times are tough.
It just feels like the past 9+ years have been such a waste. What a shame to have lived a complete lie all this time. And how selfish on his part. He basically brought a child into this mess and seriously damaged the lives of 2 other people – all because he wasn’t man enough to own up to his own mistakes and make em right.
It hurts to know that he never loved me. Because I definitely loved him. But what hurts more is that the kiddos have to pay the cost. AND, to top if off……he could potentially be doing it all over again to another person. You see, I don’t blame her….even though she KNOWS he is married. Because ultimately, HE is the one with the decision to cheat or not.
We are all on our own journey….and as I’ve mentioned before, I’m leaving myself WIDE open to God’s will. Anxiously awaiting to see what I’m supposed to learn….and where I’m supposed to go from here. The problem is – and I suppose with many people – is that it is agonizingly SLOW!
I am SO ready for a change! I am SO ready for something new! And, I wish I could see some of it SOON before I give up. I know, I know….that doesn’t show much faith. And chances are, THAT is exactly what I’m supposed to be learning right now….that I need to WAIT and see. Continue having faith and trusting God to move those mountains for me. I also know/believe that I am to speak to those mountains myself and He will make it happen.
So, I’m thinking that’s what I need to do. BUT, I can’t seem to verbalize or even formulate the idea/words in my mind. I feel like an idiot….I can’t tell if this is from stress overload or Fibro fog. I pray that God knows what I’m trying to say and think. Thank You, Father for understanding.
I have been attending a series of sermons about relationships. It has been tremendously enlightening – I believe every single person who is in a marriage or thinking about marriage should listen to them…..it would literally change your life!! But, on the down side of that….I find myself feeling depressed and sad because I can see where hubby and I have failed. AND, now knowing what could be different…..but he’s not willing. Period. It’s heartbreaking to know that I got so darned close to having something so awesome.
I’m sure people on the outside looking in would say ‘give it up, girl’ or ‘good grief, get a life and move on!’ But, I feel so strongly that this whole situation is wrong, wrong, wrong! I can honestly say that I was pretty miserable myself and many times I thought about leaving him. And at first when he told me he was leaving….for just an instant I felt relief – then it turned to shock (as mentioned in previous posts). But ultimately, I feel that we should not be giving up just yet. Evidently hubby does not feel the same way.
So, I keep rolling between feeling a little relief, to pain and sadness to anger. I’m sure it’s all normal….but it sure is exhausting. I am not normally a crier…..but now, just the simplest thought skating across my brain and I can really let the waterworks fly. And THAT angers me. I have no time for crying and whining. I have work to do. I have kids to raise and I have to move on. Ugh!!!!
I can’t recall if I’ve mentioned it before and I’m too lazy to go back and check right now….but, for about 4 or 5 years now, I find myself dreaming/wishing to be a person to speak before groups. Like an inspirational-type speaker or a life coach. I have absolutely no idea WHERE this comes from either! I am really pretty shy. And I used to get ill if I had to speak before people. I seldom speak unless spoken to.
So where did all of this come from? And what the heck do I have to say to anyone that would be worthwhile? And why would I want to? And where? I have no clue…. All I know is that the desire keeps getting stronger. And therefore, I’m thinking that maybe God has planted that little seed of desire for whatever is headed my way. I don’t know.
I do know that I’ve lived a LOT of life. I have LOADS of life experiences. I HAVE learned from my experiences – both good and bad. So who knows….maybe someday. Oh and btw, even my boss has put me into a position of being a leadership coach and a trainer at work. Could this all be prep work for me???? Hmmmmm…….
So, bring it on God~! I’m ready! I am ready and willing to take the next step in this journey, so let’s go!!!
Hello! Just checking in again. It’s been a few days. I keep having headaches lately – so by the time I get home, I’m not too interested in the computer. I think it’s the front that finally blew in today.
First, let me tell you that I really learned a LOT at church this past weekend. And I think EVERYONE who is in a relationship or thinking about a relationship should listen to this (see the one dated 9-19-2010). Yes, it says it’s about sexual fulfillment – but don’t freak out or be turned away because you are already satisfied, thank you very much! Just listen. I would put money down that you learn a thing or two! This is about RELATIONSHIPS not the actual act of sex.
Of course, as you know if you’ve been reading my posts – my hubby has moved out. So, this particular sermon was not expected to speak to me much. Boy was I wrong! It did big time. Not in just things that I think we could have done better in relating with each other – but other stuff too. It was very enlightening.
Speaking of hubby – I can’t recall if I mentioned this before or not, but I had texted hubby one day a while back and asked if he would still be willing to go to marriage counseling. After all, HE had suggested it prior to our little trip to the mountains. And, even though we are separated doesn’t mean that we couldn’t try to work things out – right? Well, he didn’t answer. I let it go and didn’t request an answer. Typically, when he doesn’t answer – it’s because the answer is ‘no’.
But, after the sermon, I really felt like I needed to try one last time with him. So I asked again. He clearly stated “No” this time. So, I decided I better get my act together for real. All this time, I kept hoping that there was some shred left. Something that we could still hold on to and try to build from – know what I mean?
When he stated that he had no interest – it was a bit of a turning point for me and so I told him that I would let him go. He thanked me. He apologized for not making it work…..and assured me that this decision had nothing to do with another woman. Blah, blah, blah….
I then went to visit my attorney to see where I stood and what would need to happen to make this final. Since hubby and I aren’t fighting over anything – it will be a simple process. I hope. Now, don’t get me wrong – I am not rushing out to get divorced. I still don’t want it to happen – but I can’t make him love me either. So I just need to be realistic.
I also have to work to get the money together….so it will be a while.
In the meantime…..I will journey on. And LOTS of things have been taking place as far as God and me! I will have to fill you in soon.