Call Me the Clay

So hubby and I have been having some real heart-to-hearts lately.  And they have been extremely heart-breaking…for me anyways.  Not him.

He told me one day that he never knew what love felt like.  Meaning, he didn’t ever feel it for me.  Nice to know 9+ years later.

Yesterday, I spotted where he had posted on FB that he loved some other chick.  I sent him a message – trying to be strong – and mature about it…..simply stating that it was a painful thing to see AND that until our marriage was officially dissolved, I would appreciate his being a little more discrete in his actions.

He apologized today.  He said it was an error on FB – that it was meant to be a private message.  Whatever…..it still hurts.  So, it started the conversation….bottom line, he claims the only reason why he married me was for sex.  Stating that I had said that I wouldn’t have a sexual relationship unless married.  I honestly don’t recall that conversation….but so what?  Really?  Marriage JUST for sex!?!?!?!?  I can’t seem to wrap my brain around this one, folks.

He also states that this is ‘why they are waiting a year before getting into a more serious relationship’ – they (he and his new love) want to make sure it’s right.  And he’s sure it is.

I told him that I thought it was all a fantasy.  Meaning that it’s always easy to reminisce (this is an old school friend) and dream of what might be when you are having troubles.  And it’s easily a matter of the grass being greener when times are tough.

It just feels like the past 9+ years have been such a waste.  What a shame to have lived a complete lie all this time.  And how selfish on his part.  He basically brought a child into this mess and seriously damaged the lives of 2 other people – all because he wasn’t man enough to own up to his own mistakes and make em right.

It hurts to know that he never loved me.  Because I definitely loved him.  But what hurts more is that the kiddos have to pay the cost.   AND, to top if off……he could potentially be doing it all over again to another person.  You see, I don’t blame her….even though she KNOWS he is married.  Because ultimately, HE is the one with the decision to cheat or not.