Call Me the Clay

We are all on our own journey….and as I’ve mentioned before, I’m leaving myself WIDE open to God’s will.  Anxiously awaiting to see what I’m supposed to learn….and where I’m supposed to go from here.  The problem is – and I suppose with many people – is that it is agonizingly SLOW!

I am SO ready for a change!  I am SO ready for something new!  And, I wish I could see some of it SOON before I give up.  I know, I know….that doesn’t show much faith.  And chances are, THAT is exactly what I’m supposed to be learning right now….that I need to WAIT and see.  Continue having faith and trusting God to move those mountains for me.  I also know/believe that I am to speak to those mountains myself and He will make it happen.

So, I’m thinking that’s what I need to do.  BUT, I can’t seem to verbalize or even formulate the idea/words in my mind.  I feel like an idiot….I can’t tell if this is from stress overload or Fibro fog.  I pray that God knows what I’m trying to say and think.  Thank You, Father for understanding.

I have been attending a series of sermons about relationships.  It has been tremendously enlightening – I believe every single person who is in a marriage or thinking about marriage should listen to them…..it would literally change your life!!  But, on the down side of that….I find myself feeling depressed and sad because I can see where hubby and I have failed.  AND, now knowing what could be different…..but he’s not willing. Period.  It’s heartbreaking to know that I got so darned close to having something so awesome.

I’m sure people on the outside looking in would say ‘give it up, girl’ or ‘good grief, get a life and move on!’  But, I feel so strongly that this whole situation is wrong, wrong, wrong!  I can honestly say that I was pretty miserable myself and many times I thought about leaving him.  And at first when he told me he was leaving….for just an instant I felt relief – then it turned to shock (as mentioned in previous posts).  But ultimately, I feel that we should not be giving up just yet.  Evidently hubby does not feel the same way.

So, I keep rolling between feeling a little relief, to pain and sadness to anger.  I’m sure it’s all normal….but it sure is exhausting.  I am not normally a crier…..but now, just the simplest thought skating across my brain and I can really let the waterworks fly.  And THAT angers me.  I have no time for crying and whining.  I have work to do.  I have kids to raise and I have to move on. Ugh!!!!

I can’t recall if I’ve mentioned it before and I’m too lazy to go back and check right now….but, for about 4 or 5 years now, I find myself dreaming/wishing to be a person to speak before groups.  Like an inspirational-type speaker or a life coach.  I have absolutely no idea WHERE this comes from either!  I am really pretty shy.  And I used to get ill if I had to speak before people.  I seldom speak unless spoken to.

So where did all of this come from?  And what the heck do I have to say to anyone that would be worthwhile? And why would I want to?  And where?  I have no clue….  All I know is that the desire keeps getting stronger.  And therefore, I’m thinking that maybe God has planted that little seed of desire for whatever is headed my way.  I don’t know.

I do know that I’ve lived a LOT of life.  I have LOADS of life experiences.  I HAVE learned from my experiences – both good and bad.  So who knows….maybe someday.  Oh and btw, even my boss has put me into a position of being a leadership coach and a trainer at work.  Could this all be prep work for me????  Hmmmmm…….

So, bring it on God~!  I’m ready!  I am ready and willing to take the next step in this journey, so let’s go!!!