Tag Archive | Christianity

Still On My Journey…Learning More…..Sometimes With My Heels Dug In…..

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I can’t believe I haven’t posted anything since May – and here it is October! A lot has been going on for sure. Some of it has been tough, but I lean heavily on God and He always sees me through!

As mentioned in this previous post, my daughter and son-in-law moved down south.  They are doing well though we are all missing each other like crazy.  My daughter had some serious home-sickness going on for a bit – but I think she is doing better now.

They both came back up a few weeks ago for a visit.  While here, many of their friends came out to the house for a little party.  It sure was fun seeing everyone together again!  And most recently they were here for the wedding of ‘my other daughter’ – as you may have read on previous posts….she is my daughter’s best friend.  They call each other ‘sister’ and I’m ‘Mom’ to her.

I also mentioned that the new job I got after being laid-off was not very enjoyable.  I didn’t want to complain about the job I had after losing the other one…but I was miserable.  I didn’t want to come across as being ungrateful. It was during this time though, that I started learning that I was not leaning on God as much as I thought.

I was so ‘worried’ about being laid-off that I grabbed the first job that came along rather than praying about it and relying on God to open doors for me.  Again, which has been typical in my life, I was trying to be in control and manipulate my situation.

If you read this earlier post of mine, then you will understand my thought process here.  Of course it wasn’t until after I started the new job and began to reflect on my situation that I came to realize that I was still struggling with ‘unbelief’. Though I had faith that God would provide, my unbelief came about in thinking that I needed to jump on that job because there might not be another offer rather than waiting on Him.  So I spent almost 6 months in a job that I was unhappy with and that was not a good fit – for me or the employer.

During this time, I kept studying and learning about God’s grace and His desire to provide for us, His children.  Most recently it dawned on me….

Just as an earthly parent, God does not want His children to suffer, be ill, in pain or live in poverty.  He wants only the best for us.  I have always said I believed that….but I think deep down I always felt like I wasn’t living up to whatever it was in my mind that I thought I should be or be doing for Him.  I felt that because I was ‘failing’ or falling short of what I thought He wanted….then why would He shower me with abundance?  If I couldn’t take care of the little, why would He give me more?

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not talking about doing ‘works’ in order to get to heaven.  But just as with my own children….they may do things that are not what I would choose for them…and they may even disappoint me from time to time.  But would I want them to suffer, do without, hurt?  No way!  So why would I assume God would be any different?

I heard someone say that maybe we shouldn’t be asking God for ‘just enough’ – meaning, why do we ask Him for things like giving us just enough to live comfortably, or feel better, or pay our bills?  We are children of God.  We were made righteous by Christ.  So we should claim it!  We have power through Christ!

So I recently sat down and had a lengthy conversation with my Father.  And I laid it all at the feet of my Savior. It finally made sense to me! I gave thanks.  I cried. And rejoiced.  And cried some more.  But afterwards I felt so much lighter and I could definitely feel a difference.  The burdens were gone.

Very shortly after that…things started happening for me:

First of all, I hurt my back carrying something at work that was WAY to heavy.  And I was laying in bed on the 3rd night of the worst pain I have ever been in.  But through the misery – I kept repeating thanks over and over for the healing.  And sure enough, the pain went away without seeking medical care.

Every time I found my mind wanting to head down in the dumps or start with the negative thoughts – I would correct myself and say thanks to my Father.  I gave thanks for my healing (we are healed by his stripes….) and thanks for His provision. Let me tell you….it was not – and still isn’t – a natural or automatic thing for me.  I am so used to thinking ‘here we go again’ or something negative…and then gearing up to deal with it.  So, I have had to repeat many, many times that I do not have to carry the burden….God’s got this!

Next, I got a call from someone that I have always considered a mentor of mine.  I had worked with him in the past and though we parted ways years ago, I would still do some ‘virtual assistant’ jobs for him from time to time.  I also know his boss – the owner of the company in which he works now – from that same time period in our past.  He asked me to stop in to help them with some personnel issues.  I agreed.

When I got there, both of them were there telling me about how some things had changed within the company – and they wanted to offer me a job!!!  You have to understand – I have wanted to work for them for years!  And here it was, out of the clear blue, being offered!  Needless to say, I accepted the job.

Within the first week – I was given a raise…to cover the healthcare premiums – so that it wouldn’t cut into my take home pay. Can you believe that!?  I was also assured that I would be getting my pay bumped up very soon.

Then came the realization that I was most likely going to lose my insurance on my home – due to ‘forgetting’ (Fibro Fog) to pay it…and my first check was coming in exactly one week later than the cut-off date.  Again I found myself starting to get stressed.  But I reminded myself that God’s got this….and I was just along for the ride.

Sure enough – no quicker had those thoughts crossed my mind when my boss asked me how I was with the gap between my last job’s payday and this one.  I told him I was figuring it out.  He told me to give him a figure and he would advance it to me.  I did.  He did.  When I asked about re-paying it…..I was told not to worry about it right now.  So, house insurance was paid – literally within 4 hours of it being cancelled!

For many – this may sound like small potatoes….but for me – this is huge!  For the first time in my life, I feel that things are going to be good for me!  I no longer feel like I screwed up and therefore it is what it is!  Of course there will still be things to come up and I will probably have to remind myself another few hundred times to let things go….but I’m confident that it will become easier as I’m growing and learning more!

Next on my list is my health – again, I’ve spoken with God about this and I am confident that my body is repairing itself and I will no longer suffer.  For now, I find that when I’m getting caught up in the ‘unbelief’ – my Fibro starts acting up.  Once I claim healing and refuse to worry about the situation the symptoms recede.  I believe that for now this is my little reminder to help get me back on track.  But I also fully believe that I am healed and that my healthy body will manifest once I learn to accept the gift given to me.

And finally…..relationships.  I’m not sure where I’m going here yet.  But I’m trusting God to lead me.  At the moment, with all of the pain and mistrust I’ve experienced in this area….I do not want an intimate relationship with another man…ever!  But at the same time, I find myself lonely and wishing for companionship.  However, I will wait on my Father and see what He has in mind for me.  Maybe it’s more than I can ever dream of…..or maybe I’m not supposed to have another man in my life….either way, I’m good with that.

F.R.O.G. = Fully Relying On God…..that’s the fun part….once you learn to relax and go with it!

This Journey I’m On……

images (9) images (8) images (7)We are all on our own journey….and as I’ve mentioned before, I’m leaving myself WIDE open to God’s will.  Anxiously awaiting to see what I’m supposed to learn….and where I’m supposed to go from here.  The problem is – and I suppose with many people – is that it is agonizingly SLOW!

I am SO ready for a change!  I am SO ready for something new!  And, I wish I could see some of it SOON before I give up.  I know, I know….that doesn’t show much faith.  And chances are, THAT is exactly what I’m supposed to be learning right now….that I need to WAIT and see.  Continue having faith and trusting God to move those mountains for me.  I also know/believe that I am to speak to those mountains myself and He will make it happen.

So, I’m thinking that’s what I need to do.  BUT, I can’t seem to verbalize or even formulate the idea/words in my mind.  I feel like an idiot….I can’t tell if this is from stress overload or Fibro fog.  I pray that God knows what I’m trying to say and think.  Thank You, Father for understanding.

I have been attending a series of sermons about relationships.  It has been tremendously enlightening – I believe every single person who is in a marriage or thinking about marriage should listen to them…..it would literally change your life!!  But, on the down side of that….I find myself feeling depressed and sad because I can see where hubby and I have failed.  AND, now knowing what could be different…..but he’s not willing. Period.  It’s heartbreaking to know that I got so darned close to having something so awesome.

I’m sure people on the outside looking in would say ‘give it up, girl’ or ‘good grief, get a life and move on!’  But, I feel so strongly that this whole situation is wrong, wrong, wrong!  I can honestly say that I was pretty miserable myself and many times I thought about leaving him.  And at first when he told me he was leaving….for just an instant I felt relief – then it turned to shock (as mentioned in previous posts).  But ultimately, I feel that we should not be giving up just yet.  Evidently hubby does not feel the same way.

So, I keep rolling between feeling a little relief, to pain and sadness to anger.  I’m sure it’s all normal….but it sure is exhausting.  I am not normally a crier…..but now, just the simplest thought skating across my brain and I can really let the waterworks fly.  And THAT angers me.  I have no time for crying and whining.  I have work to do.  I have kids to raise and I have to move on. Ugh!!!!

I can’t recall if I’ve mentioned it before and I’m too lazy to go back and check right now….but, for about 4 or 5 years now, I find myself dreaming/wishing to be a person to speak before groups.  Like an inspirational-type speaker or a life coach.  I have absolutely no idea WHERE this comes from either!  I am really pretty shy.  And I used to get ill if I had to speak before people.  I seldom speak unless spoken to.

So where did all of this come from?  And what the heck do I have to say to anyone that would be worthwhile? And why would I want to?  And where?  I have no clue….  All I know is that the desire keeps getting stronger.  And therefore, I’m thinking that maybe God has planted that little seed of desire for whatever is headed my way.  I don’t know.

I do know that I’ve lived a LOT of life.  I have LOADS of life experiences.  I HAVE learned from my experiences – both good and bad.  So who knows….maybe someday.  Oh and btw, even my boss has put me into a position of being a leadership coach and a trainer at work.  Could this all be prep work for me????  Hmmmmm…….

So, bring it on God~!  I’m ready!  I am ready and willing to take the next step in this journey, so let’s go!!!


In Other Words….Shut Your Mouth!!

I went to Saturday nite services at church tonite.  And although the sermon is part of  multi-part series on marriage and relationships – there is STILL so much to learn!

The one thing that really hit me this evening is how we women have the gift of talk – way more than men.  Okay, so this is nothing new, right?  But what I mean is that we (women) tend to want to correct the situation by talking.  We think we can coerce or convince the other person (namely men) to change or shape up based on our talk.

But the truth is – it will usually back fire on us.  It even tells us in the bible to let GOD do the tending.  We are to simply live our lives in reverence and love for God.  In turn, it will spill over into love and respect for the other person (spouse).  Our ACTIONS will communicate more clearly than our words ever could.

This does not mean that we are a doormat for abuse.  And it doesn’t mean that we are never to speak up to let the person know that our feelings have been hurt, or something is bothering us, etc.  But rather than jumping on them, we speak calmly and with respect and love.  Then let it be.  If it doesn’t change anything – that’s between them and God.  For more info read 1 Peter 3:1-22.

So this sermon really hit home with me (see my previous post here).  I realize that many times, I’ve said more than I should to my hubby.  For instance, I wrote him an email a day or two ago and really let him have it.  I had really tried to be the way I knew God would want me to be in this situation.  And I know it’s not His will that our marriage fail.

I was doing pretty well until the most recent stuff – again mentioned in the previous post.  And, I blew it!  I felt like I needed to ‘voice’ my views and how he hurt me and how he was hurting us as a family.  Shoulda kept my mouth shut, I guess.

So, I am repenting and asking God to forgive my shortcomings.  I am praying that He continue to hold my hand and help me through this.  And I’m asking Him to help me to remember that He is in control.  All I can do is pray.  Pray for my hubby.  My kids.  My marriage.  And that is what I plan to do!

Take care until next time!