Tag Archive | life lessons

Journey Down Memory Lane & Back

Mixed emotions.  That is what I have been experiencing lately.  Like a roller-coaster, up on minute, down the next.  Funny how going down memory lane can bring back emotions as if you were back in that time.  It kind of wears you out to be up one moment and then deeply saddened in the very next one.

My daughter and her husband were in town for the weekend.  The trip was quick and of course it went by way too quickly!  We have always been close – and this move has been rough on both of us.  No more dropping in on each other or calling and saying “let’s do lunch” anymore.  So we go from being anxious for days building up to their arrival – to great joy when they get here – and then a crash when they have to leave again.  It’s like mourning all over again.  Each time.
One thing for sure – we definitely appreciate our time together.  We value family and never take each other for granted.  My family has always been close and will always have each others’ back no matter what happens.  I never have understood how people can get ticked off at another family member and then simply cut off all ties.  That’s so sad!
Going down memory lane has been a bit more difficult on me lately.  We all take a stroll into our past from time to time.  Maybe it’s a song that you used to listen to when you were younger.  Or you see a book you read.  And maybe you run into an old classmate.  Whatever it is – it slams you right back into that time period for a few moments.
I find that Facebook has brought about a lot of those little strolls.  Whenever I re-connect with someone from my past.  The older I get – the more I value and appreciate those connections.  There are a few connections that surprise me.  They are the ones that humble me for various reasons.
Recently I reconnected with my first love.  I thought of him a lot through the years and often wondered whatever happened to him.  I honestly wasn’t sure that he was even alive as he was a mess the last time I ran into him.  As a matter of fact, after talking with him that night so long ago – I remember telling my friend I didn’t think he would live long.  So it has been a real joy to see that he did make it – and that his life is good.  My emotions run high with this experience though.
I guess it’s the Fibro Fog again – but for the life of me I cannot recall the specifics of why I broke up with him – other than being young and dumb.  He tells me that I was the only one to break his heart.  And that makes me feel really awful.  Yes, we were young and it’s all part of life….but that is no real excuse.  I regret that I caused him pain.  I regret that I didn’t know what I was doing back then.  And in some ways I regret letting him go.
It seems we both have lived through a lot.  Gone through tough times and survived.  For that I am grateful.  I really enjoy chatting with him and getting to know him all over again.  However, with that brings a lot of mixed feelings.   I find myself being like a school girl anxiously awaiting to hear from him again.  And at the same time – we live totally different lives in different cities.  Too much time has passed and we are different people now.  We can’t go back.  So then I feel like an idiot, ya know?
I’m sure it is the reminiscing about what used to be.  And what could have been.  And being single again.  But as mentioned in past blog posts – I have no intentions of getting into another relationship other than simple friendship.  So what the heck is up with my crazy emotions?!
At any rate – I am thankful for the people God has placed in my life.  And for the special times/connections that I have.  I am thankful that God has always had my back…..after all we are family.
Speaking of God having my back…I have been experiencing much favor of late.  I believe the reason is not that I’m ‘doing’ the right thing now – as that would be relying on my works rather than His grace.  But rather that I am believing that He has already provided everything I need and so much more.  I only have to learn to receive His gifts!
So thank You, Father for always being there for me and mine!

This Journey Is Bumpy….

I’ve neglected this blog – I know.  I think it is two-fold.  Life got hectic and I kinda forgot about it.  And, life got hectic (repeat intended).  But I’m back and ready to move on.

First of all, I’ve been working through the pain.  And the anger.  And everything else that goes along with being betrayed by the one you love.  The one you thought you would spend your life with.  The one you trusted to always be there.

During this process – and from the very beginning when he walked out on us, actually – we have not told many people about it.  At first I thought we were in agreement as to the reasons why – but I can now say that we had totally different reasons for  this arrangement.  I was trying to remain ‘professional’ because we work at the same place – and expected to be leaders in the organization.  And of course, I am always concerned for the ripple-effect to the kids.  Even our young son…eventually he will see and hear things.

But, it seems his motives were not the same.  I say this because he couldn’t control himself – acting like a child – he had to post things on a social networking site that many of our friends, family and coworkers also use. These things? His girlfriend started connecting to my friends and posting pics of each other separately and together….and they both declared their love for each other and the countdown until their next encounter (remember, she doesn’t live in this country).

All I know to do is make sure that I keep my emotions in check and pray, pray, pray.  Our divorce will be final by mid-summer and he will be moving on in his relationship with her.  I have no intentions of getting into that again, thank you very much.  I will focus on my relationship with God – whom I am starting to see I should have depended on MUCH more than I have throughout my life!  You see…..for as strong as I’ve always considered myself…..and as much as I have always ‘believed’ in God…..I am starting to figure out that I tend to depend on the men in my life to make me happy and to feel secure instead of God first.

So, here we go on this ‘self-discovery’ journey.  And this journey where God is having to thump me on the head a time or two in order for me to wake up! LOL

Besides the marriage/divorce drama there really are other things going on in my life these days.  My daughter is ‘officially’ engaged.  Am I happy about this? Um……not exactly.  Don’t get me wrong, her beau is a great young man and I couldn’t ask for a better one to be dating my daughter.  BUT – I wish they would wait a little longer.  Granted, they don’t plan to marry for 2 more years – which is good, for sure…..but I wish they would wait even longer. But that’s a mom for ya – right!? 😀

So far, they have the location picked out, the dress is being paid for, the engagement ring has been purchased and presented, the colors and the hairstyle has already been selected.  Um….does anyone other than me see this thing happening BEFORE the 2 year mark?????  Ahhhhhh……………young love!  Dear Father, please bless these two young people as they journey together in life.  May their relationship be a lasting and loving one!

We had a recent scare with my dad.  He is in his early 70’s and tend to try to self-doctor/medicate himself.  Unfortunately he waited a little too long before seeking professional medical care for a spot on his ear.  It was diagnosed as a type of skin cancer that if left unattended long enough can get into the lymph system.  So we waited for the test results and prayed.  Thankfully, it had not gotten that bad.  However, they had to do Mohs’ surgery on it and remove about a third of his ear.

Work is pretty much the same.  There are always those who have no other pleasure in their lives other than to see how miserable they can try to make others.  Or how they can destroy a coworkers livelihood.  I am always puzzled by these type of folks.  I simply can’t imagine doing that to another human being – no matter how much I may dislike them.  And why in the world would you want to spend your entire day being ugly and hateful and mean?

A classmate of mine passed away recently.  It definitely makes you take a closer look at your life.  At your relationships.  Evidently it has had that effect on my other classmates.  We are all connecting on a social network and keeping each other up to date on our lives.  It’s been nice.  Also makes you feel kind of…..old.  I definitely don’t care to go back to my high school years….but my mid to late twenties would be okay! LOL

Okay….so now you are up to speed and I am current on this blog.  Stay tuned for more to come…..I promise to add more interesting articles and maybe a few write ups from my friends!  See ya…..

This Journey I’m On……

images (9) images (8) images (7)We are all on our own journey….and as I’ve mentioned before, I’m leaving myself WIDE open to God’s will.  Anxiously awaiting to see what I’m supposed to learn….and where I’m supposed to go from here.  The problem is – and I suppose with many people – is that it is agonizingly SLOW!

I am SO ready for a change!  I am SO ready for something new!  And, I wish I could see some of it SOON before I give up.  I know, I know….that doesn’t show much faith.  And chances are, THAT is exactly what I’m supposed to be learning right now….that I need to WAIT and see.  Continue having faith and trusting God to move those mountains for me.  I also know/believe that I am to speak to those mountains myself and He will make it happen.

So, I’m thinking that’s what I need to do.  BUT, I can’t seem to verbalize or even formulate the idea/words in my mind.  I feel like an idiot….I can’t tell if this is from stress overload or Fibro fog.  I pray that God knows what I’m trying to say and think.  Thank You, Father for understanding.

I have been attending a series of sermons about relationships.  It has been tremendously enlightening – I believe every single person who is in a marriage or thinking about marriage should listen to them…..it would literally change your life!!  But, on the down side of that….I find myself feeling depressed and sad because I can see where hubby and I have failed.  AND, now knowing what could be different…..but he’s not willing. Period.  It’s heartbreaking to know that I got so darned close to having something so awesome.

I’m sure people on the outside looking in would say ‘give it up, girl’ or ‘good grief, get a life and move on!’  But, I feel so strongly that this whole situation is wrong, wrong, wrong!  I can honestly say that I was pretty miserable myself and many times I thought about leaving him.  And at first when he told me he was leaving….for just an instant I felt relief – then it turned to shock (as mentioned in previous posts).  But ultimately, I feel that we should not be giving up just yet.  Evidently hubby does not feel the same way.

So, I keep rolling between feeling a little relief, to pain and sadness to anger.  I’m sure it’s all normal….but it sure is exhausting.  I am not normally a crier…..but now, just the simplest thought skating across my brain and I can really let the waterworks fly.  And THAT angers me.  I have no time for crying and whining.  I have work to do.  I have kids to raise and I have to move on. Ugh!!!!

I can’t recall if I’ve mentioned it before and I’m too lazy to go back and check right now….but, for about 4 or 5 years now, I find myself dreaming/wishing to be a person to speak before groups.  Like an inspirational-type speaker or a life coach.  I have absolutely no idea WHERE this comes from either!  I am really pretty shy.  And I used to get ill if I had to speak before people.  I seldom speak unless spoken to.

So where did all of this come from?  And what the heck do I have to say to anyone that would be worthwhile? And why would I want to?  And where?  I have no clue….  All I know is that the desire keeps getting stronger.  And therefore, I’m thinking that maybe God has planted that little seed of desire for whatever is headed my way.  I don’t know.

I do know that I’ve lived a LOT of life.  I have LOADS of life experiences.  I HAVE learned from my experiences – both good and bad.  So who knows….maybe someday.  Oh and btw, even my boss has put me into a position of being a leadership coach and a trainer at work.  Could this all be prep work for me????  Hmmmmm…….

So, bring it on God~!  I’m ready!  I am ready and willing to take the next step in this journey, so let’s go!!!