I can’t believe I haven’t posted anything since May – and here it is October! A lot has been going on for sure. Some of it has been tough, but I lean heavily on God and He always sees me through!
As mentioned in this previous post, my daughter and son-in-law moved down south. They are doing well though we are all missing each other like crazy. My daughter had some serious home-sickness going on for a bit – but I think she is doing better now.
They both came back up a few weeks ago for a visit. While here, many of their friends came out to the house for a little party. It sure was fun seeing everyone together again! And most recently they were here for the wedding of ‘my other daughter’ – as you may have read on previous posts….she is my daughter’s best friend. They call each other ‘sister’ and I’m ‘Mom’ to her.
I also mentioned that the new job I got after being laid-off was not very enjoyable. I didn’t want to complain about the job I had after losing the other one…but I was miserable. I didn’t want to come across as being ungrateful. It was during this time though, that I started learning that I was not leaning on God as much as I thought.
I was so ‘worried’ about being laid-off that I grabbed the first job that came along rather than praying about it and relying on God to open doors for me. Again, which has been typical in my life, I was trying to be in control and manipulate my situation.
If you read this earlier post of mine, then you will understand my thought process here. Of course it wasn’t until after I started the new job and began to reflect on my situation that I came to realize that I was still struggling with ‘unbelief’. Though I had faith that God would provide, my unbelief came about in thinking that I needed to jump on that job because there might not be another offer rather than waiting on Him. So I spent almost 6 months in a job that I was unhappy with and that was not a good fit – for me or the employer.
During this time, I kept studying and learning about God’s grace and His desire to provide for us, His children. Most recently it dawned on me….
Just as an earthly parent, God does not want His children to suffer, be ill, in pain or live in poverty. He wants only the best for us. I have always said I believed that….but I think deep down I always felt like I wasn’t living up to whatever it was in my mind that I thought I should be or be doing for Him. I felt that because I was ‘failing’ or falling short of what I thought He wanted….then why would He shower me with abundance? If I couldn’t take care of the little, why would He give me more?
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not talking about doing ‘works’ in order to get to heaven. But just as with my own children….they may do things that are not what I would choose for them…and they may even disappoint me from time to time. But would I want them to suffer, do without, hurt? No way! So why would I assume God would be any different?
I heard someone say that maybe we shouldn’t be asking God for ‘just enough’ – meaning, why do we ask Him for things like giving us just enough to live comfortably, or feel better, or pay our bills? We are children of God. We were made righteous by Christ. So we should claim it! We have power through Christ!
So I recently sat down and had a lengthy conversation with my Father. And I laid it all at the feet of my Savior. It finally made sense to me! I gave thanks. I cried. And rejoiced. And cried some more. But afterwards I felt so much lighter and I could definitely feel a difference. The burdens were gone.
Very shortly after that…things started happening for me:
First of all, I hurt my back carrying something at work that was WAY to heavy. And I was laying in bed on the 3rd night of the worst pain I have ever been in. But through the misery – I kept repeating thanks over and over for the healing. And sure enough, the pain went away without seeking medical care.
Every time I found my mind wanting to head down in the dumps or start with the negative thoughts – I would correct myself and say thanks to my Father. I gave thanks for my healing (we are healed by his stripes….) and thanks for His provision. Let me tell you….it was not – and still isn’t – a natural or automatic thing for me. I am so used to thinking ‘here we go again’ or something negative…and then gearing up to deal with it. So, I have had to repeat many, many times that I do not have to carry the burden….God’s got this!
Next, I got a call from someone that I have always considered a mentor of mine. I had worked with him in the past and though we parted ways years ago, I would still do some ‘virtual assistant’ jobs for him from time to time. I also know his boss – the owner of the company in which he works now – from that same time period in our past. He asked me to stop in to help them with some personnel issues. I agreed.
When I got there, both of them were there telling me about how some things had changed within the company – and they wanted to offer me a job!!! You have to understand – I have wanted to work for them for years! And here it was, out of the clear blue, being offered! Needless to say, I accepted the job.
Within the first week – I was given a raise…to cover the healthcare premiums – so that it wouldn’t cut into my take home pay. Can you believe that!? I was also assured that I would be getting my pay bumped up very soon.
Then came the realization that I was most likely going to lose my insurance on my home – due to ‘forgetting’ (Fibro Fog) to pay it…and my first check was coming in exactly one week later than the cut-off date. Again I found myself starting to get stressed. But I reminded myself that God’s got this….and I was just along for the ride.
Sure enough – no quicker had those thoughts crossed my mind when my boss asked me how I was with the gap between my last job’s payday and this one. I told him I was figuring it out. He told me to give him a figure and he would advance it to me. I did. He did. When I asked about re-paying it…..I was told not to worry about it right now. So, house insurance was paid – literally within 4 hours of it being cancelled!
For many – this may sound like small potatoes….but for me – this is huge! For the first time in my life, I feel that things are going to be good for me! I no longer feel like I screwed up and therefore it is what it is! Of course there will still be things to come up and I will probably have to remind myself another few hundred times to let things go….but I’m confident that it will become easier as I’m growing and learning more!
Next on my list is my health – again, I’ve spoken with God about this and I am confident that my body is repairing itself and I will no longer suffer. For now, I find that when I’m getting caught up in the ‘unbelief’ – my Fibro starts acting up. Once I claim healing and refuse to worry about the situation the symptoms recede. I believe that for now this is my little reminder to help get me back on track. But I also fully believe that I am healed and that my healthy body will manifest once I learn to accept the gift given to me.
And finally…..relationships. I’m not sure where I’m going here yet. But I’m trusting God to lead me. At the moment, with all of the pain and mistrust I’ve experienced in this area….I do not want an intimate relationship with another man…ever! But at the same time, I find myself lonely and wishing for companionship. However, I will wait on my Father and see what He has in mind for me. Maybe it’s more than I can ever dream of…..or maybe I’m not supposed to have another man in my life….either way, I’m good with that.
F.R.O.G. = Fully Relying On God…..that’s the fun part….once you learn to relax and go with it!
So, things have been hectic to say the least. Our divorce was final on July 5th. And I took him to the airport on the 6th – so he could take off to Mexico and be with the one he claims to love. How crazy is that!?!? Most people think I’m nuts for doing that. But my reasoning is that I could then know 100% where my son was when the ‘ex’ was leaving the country. I wish I could say I trust him to do the right thing when it comes to our son….but honestly, I don’t know who he is anymore. His own family and coworkers say the same thing. No one knows how one person could possibly change so completely. How can one’s personality completely change practically over night?
It’s pretty sad. As mentioned in numerous posts, I hate that we couldn’t make it work. But more than that – if we couldn’t succeed….I was hoping that we could be on friendly terms for our son’s sake. And so far, I believe my son has not felt any ill feelings or animosity between us. HOWEVER….I’m not sure how long I can take the hidden agendas and secrets and back-stabbing that comes from his father. He is really good at manipulating people. He plays mind-games. And if you aren’t careful, you get caught up in it before you know it!
I could go on and on about all of the manipulation he’s attempted lately….but I’ve decided to move on and I don’t care to rehash it. I can say however, that I truly believed that I had forgiven him…but after some things I’ve discovered recently (some of which proves that he was in this relationship PRIOR to his leaving – as I suspected and he denied)….I am going to have to work on the forgiveness again. Because right now, I’m pissed.
I have also decided to take charge of my life in other areas too. For as many years as I can remember, I’ve allowed my life to revolve around men. All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved and wanted by a man. This doesn’t mean that I can’t stand on my own two feet….because I can. I have in the past and can again. But I prefer to be in a relationship. However, because of this way of thinking – I depended too much on man to complete my world. To make me happy. To feel loved and worthy. And, of course, I’ve been let down greatly because let’s face it – we humans are…..human.
I know that I should have had my focus on God first. Actually, I thought I had that one down. But for the past few years, I’ve come to realize that I did not put God first. I am still struggling with that. I want to depend on God and have that relationship that I’ve always desired. But I can’t seem to ‘remember’ to put Him first. I can’t ‘remember’ to go to Him daily. I can’t ‘remember’ to read His word.
I don’t know if it’s all of the stress I’ve been under for so long or the ‘fibro-fog’ or peri-menopause that has my brain barely functioning any more. But I do good to make it through the day anymore. My mind is so scattered. Forget about reading. Or praying most days. It’s not on purpose…..I just can’t slow down….or when I do, I fall asleep. Part of it is that I just can’t bring myself to think too deeply for too long. I guess I’m afraid that I might have to deal with some issues or emotions that I just don’t think I can handle right now. Does that make sense?
This has led me to consider making a few more changes in my life. My job for one. I have come to the conclusion that I need a change. If I simply processed paperwork – it wouldn’t be so bad. But, because I also have to deal with everyone complaining and whining….it’s gotten really old. I do not believe I’ve ever seen so many ugly, hateful acting people in my life! For a place where we are supposed to have a heart for others….there sure is a lot of backstabbing and lying and outright deceit. Oh don’t get me wrong…I understand that this goes on in most places. But not to this extent, believe me!
Then when you add that somewhere, somehow the employees feel entitled to have everything their way and immediately. They do not feel accountable for anything and they don’t care about their responsibilities. It definitely makes you dread going to work.
So, I find myself thinking about other employment these days. Problem is….I don’t have a college degree. I have a couple of certificates of completion….but no actual degree. Yes, I could go back to school….but again, I don’t think my brain and my stress limit will allow for this. The other problem is pay. When I look around at what people are being paid…..I feel I better stay where I’m at for now. I guess you could say that I’ve kind of worked myself into a corner and can find no way out just yet.
The other is my daughter. I love, love, love her. And she has been a great kid. I’m proud of her. However, she’s been going through some stuff of her own. I believe that my divorce was the breaking point for her. He and she got along great in the beginning….but as the years passed by, it became more strained until it was complete bitterness. He played mind games with her too many times. He hurt her greatly. BUT – bottom line was that he was her ‘dad’ when her own dad was nowhere to be found all her life.
So, when we split up….she became very angry. She was/is constantly mad at everyone around. No one can do right by her. She became the most hateful and hurtful person to me…..I’ve never experienced anything like it. And most times, I simply sat there stunned and looked at her because I had no idea who she was anymore. She and I were always close and could talk about anything….but that is no more. I was to the point of telling her to pack her things and move out (she’s almost 19 now).
She then decided to go ahead with her plans for school (after taking a year off). However, she needs me to pay for part of it because her scholarship and grants won’t pay for it all. I agreed to help her on one condition – and that is she has to seek counseling to work through the anger and whatever else she is experiencing. She agreed.
So here we are. I have decided to take no more bull from the ‘ex’, the angry daughter and/or the folks at work who seek to make life miserable for everyone around them. Don’t bother….I won’t accept being walked on any longer!
I’m also considering a move. I like small towns. I’m sick of the big ones. I don’t need to live where there are nightclubs etc. I want peaceful. I want simple. Less stress. I want friendly faces that you recognize. And I want water (we are all running out of water due to the drought in this area). I now have to find one where I can make a living….
So like I said in the title….Life Goes On…..and I will continue…..and I will strive for happiness and contentment…..and guess what? I WILL SUCCEED~!!!
Hello! Just checking in again. It’s been a few days. I keep having headaches lately – so by the time I get home, I’m not too interested in the computer. I think it’s the front that finally blew in today.
First, let me tell you that I really learned a LOT at church this past weekend. And I think EVERYONE who is in a relationship or thinking about a relationship should listen to this (see the one dated 9-19-2010). Yes, it says it’s about sexual fulfillment – but don’t freak out or be turned away because you are already satisfied, thank you very much! Just listen. I would put money down that you learn a thing or two! This is about RELATIONSHIPS not the actual act of sex.
Of course, as you know if you’ve been reading my posts – my hubby has moved out. So, this particular sermon was not expected to speak to me much. Boy was I wrong! It did big time. Not in just things that I think we could have done better in relating with each other – but other stuff too. It was very enlightening.
Speaking of hubby – I can’t recall if I mentioned this before or not, but I had texted hubby one day a while back and asked if he would still be willing to go to marriage counseling. After all, HE had suggested it prior to our little trip to the mountains. And, even though we are separated doesn’t mean that we couldn’t try to work things out – right? Well, he didn’t answer. I let it go and didn’t request an answer. Typically, when he doesn’t answer – it’s because the answer is ‘no’.
But, after the sermon, I really felt like I needed to try one last time with him. So I asked again. He clearly stated “No” this time. So, I decided I better get my act together for real. All this time, I kept hoping that there was some shred left. Something that we could still hold on to and try to build from – know what I mean?
When he stated that he had no interest – it was a bit of a turning point for me and so I told him that I would let him go. He thanked me. He apologized for not making it work…..and assured me that this decision had nothing to do with another woman. Blah, blah, blah….
I then went to visit my attorney to see where I stood and what would need to happen to make this final. Since hubby and I aren’t fighting over anything – it will be a simple process. I hope. Now, don’t get me wrong – I am not rushing out to get divorced. I still don’t want it to happen – but I can’t make him love me either. So I just need to be realistic.
I also have to work to get the money together….so it will be a while.
In the meantime…..I will journey on. And LOTS of things have been taking place as far as God and me! I will have to fill you in soon.
I haven’t posted for a few days. It’s been hectic around here. I’m still on the emotional roller-coaster with my hubby. So not much has changed.
I will say that I have been trying to sort out my feelings. I feel like such an idiot on one hand. And a quitter on the other. And I suppose it will depend on the reader’s views and belief system in which one I would be labeled.
I can honestly say that I really CARE about my husband. I even like him most of the time. I heard a while back that Love is not so much a feeling as a choice. If that is true – then I may love him too. If it’s feelings…..well, then I can’t say that I do. That part died quite some time ago.
I DO believe that God can move in our lives and if we are willing, He can heal and repair. However, the key word is ‘willing’ – which is the difficult part. I have made a conscious effort to be open to God’s will and allow Him to work in my life. I desire to remain married because I know it’s God’s will AND I believe He can make a difference. However, I also have very frank conversations with God. And He knows that I don’t feel I can take my husband back and live the way we had been….there would definitely have to be changes made. On BOTH our parts.
However, my hubby is not feeling the same. He is fine to work with me (we work at the same place) – and we are doing fine with relating with each other when it comes to our son – for the most part. BUT, that is it. He is NOT willing to go to marriage counseling. He is NOT willing to do anything more to try to repair our marriage. So, knowing that God allows us free-will, I don’t see that things will get any better.
So, I went to visit an attorney today. To see what it is going to cost me to ‘let my hubby go’ once and for all. Yes, I know that I can wait it out and make hubby pay for the process…..but is that REALLY in my best interest? I’m not so sure. I do have to think about my future and my rights when it comes to our son.
Later, I told hubby I was going to ‘let him go’ – and he thanked me. He apologized for not being able to ‘make things work’. Dang that hurts. I hate it. But, life goes on.
So, I guess I simply ask for prayers from those who are praying people – that God be with us as we go through the process and ultimately that our little boy will be okay. That hubby and I are able to create a secure and loving environment for our son.
In addition: I have decided to sign up for Weight Watchers online. Just to give me that additional boost I need. I have been a little slow at the tracking part….because I tend to ‘forget’ (thank you Fibromyalgia). But, I’m getting caught up and looking forward to getting this RIGHT! Wish me luck!
Also due to the brain fog that comes with the Fibromyalgia – I have forgotten to take my St. John’s Wort for the past 3 days…..and boy, am I feeling it! I hurt from head to toe……just about every inch of me. I’ve placed the bottle where I cannot miss them in the morning – and we will hope that things get lined back out! AND, I am continuing to pray and speak with God about my healing. I believe it’s in process….it’s working…..it just takes time.
Been watching the new season line-up of network television shows this evening. So far, nothing really excites me. I will comment more on that later in the week when I get to see some more.
For now, I’m calling it a night.
WHY do people find it fun to play mind games on others? I don’t mean little jokes for the enjoyment of everyone involved – to create laughter. But the kind where they say or do things and then do a 180 or pretend like it never happened, etc. It’s like they they get some sort of kick out of making others around them miserable.
That’s the way the hubby works. It seems he enjoys saying one thing, then going back on his word. And yet at the same time, he will let on like it was an innocent error. OR make it out to be something that I made up or dreamed up. Grrrrr!
I used to get frustrated about it but kept excusing it or forgiving it because of the differences in our backgrounds. You know, like it takes a while to get in tune with each other. But as the years went by, it became obvious that this was really something that he enjoyed doing.
To give you an example of the cruelty: When my daughter was about 9 yrs old, she had been begging for an above-ground swimming pool for quite some time. One day we were out shopping and he stated, “Hey D, you still want a swimming pool?” Of course she gets excited and says yes. He tells her to come with him. We both follow him – she was so thrilled and I was totally stunned because I wasn’t expecting it.
So we all walk together to the pools. He then says, “Okay – here, if you have the money, you can buy it.” Wha??????? Needless to say, she was crushed. I was PO’d once I recovered from the shock.
Fast forward to this week. I’ve already told you that he walked out a couple of weeks ago. So we’ve agreed to remain cordial not only for our son, but because we work together. We’ve done okay – not great, but okay. For now, we had agreed on a specific schedule for who would keep our son on what days. But, he tells me a couple of days ago that his mother would be in town for one day only – and it’s one of my days to keep “A”.
I agree to swap. And therefore the plan is that hubby will pick up “A” at daycare after work today, keep him overnight and then the two of them will drive to a neighboring town about an hour away (where his sister lives and where his mother is going to stay). Now, let me first say that when he first asked about the arrangement, he didn’t actually tell me that it would be in this other town. He just let on like it was here in this town.
But, I overlook it and went with the arrangement even after I found out. Then about 3:30 this afternoon – he calls to say that he can’t pick our son up tonite. Wha???? “Okay” I say, “What happened?” He says that he can’t drive his car that far (which is true, the transmission is going out) – and so he is riding with someone else. Again, I agree. I also have to drop my plans for the evening – but it’s my son, so I don’t mind.
He never mentions tomorrow. So, I finally called him and he said that he would try to get his sister to stop by in the morning. I try explaining to him that I need to know for sure so I know when to have “A” ready. He says, “Just have him ready by 8:00.” Now some of you may think I’m being a you-know-what, but I want to know who is taking my son. AND, I don’t want to get him up and ready only to find that no one comes, you know? So I tell him as much. He finally agrees to make the arrangements and then call to confirm the details.
Finally about an hour ago, he texts me to say that “L” (one of his sisters) will be here at 8:00 to pick up our son. This is the ONLY one in his family who does NOT have my permission to take care of my son, pick him up, drive with him in the car, etc. He and I have agreed to this for years. She is an air-head. I’m pretty sure she likes her drugs from time to time. She is in this country illegally. And she drives worse than anyone I know!
So, tell me….WHY does he do things like this!?!?! Of course I have to disagree and tell him ‘no’. And what does he do? Makes ME out to be the bad guy. Good grief. Just grow up and move on – that’s what I say!
Why am I dumping all this garbage here? Just to say that I am really struggling to keep my emotions in check. I’m really trying to be the bigger person and not fight with him. I’m trying to forgive him as God would have me do. And every darn time I think that things are finally on track, I’ve found peace with the situation……he pulls this stuff.
I simply do not understand what joy a person could get out of doing things like this. Really.
So if you are a praying person – I would appreciate your prayers for our situation in that we could find a peaceful resolution to all of this.
And, now I’m tired….so I’m headed off to bed after I tuck my very disappointed little man into bed. He was looking forward to seeing his grandma (Abuela).
I have so many things running thru my mind. I don’t even know where to start. I suppose that this is part of my journey – the part that God is revealing to me. But I find myself not only being confused, but saddened and worried and anxious.
Don’t get me wrong – I have NO doubts about God and His love for me. None. But it doesn’t alleviate what rolls around in my head. I went to a place for healing last week and the couple who prayed over me also spent an hour and a half speaking on different things concerning one’s relationship with God etc. The man mentioned that when all of that ‘stuff’ starts up in the old brain that it is ‘the Evil One’ messing around. We should command the ‘the Evil One’ leave us alone immediately.
So I’ve been doing that. A lot. And, I do believe it is helping. However, when the hectic part of my life starts up…..I tend to fall back into the old habits again. *sigh* It’s SO tiring! I will be glad when it becomes a more natural part of my being.
Here is an example: After 9 years, my husband walks out on us. I think I may have mentioned that in a previous post. I don’t feel like addressing the specific details at this time…..but basically, once the shock wore off, I’m now finding myself wanting to celebrate. At the same time, I’m feeling guilty about that. I KNOW that it is not God’s will for a marriage to end. I KNOW that it is the devil’s desire to destroy that which is of God – ie., marriage.
So it’s a constant battle to tell myself to stop saying and thinking the negative things about our marriage, about my spouse etc. And at the same time, remind myself that the guilt part is part of the devil’s work too. *sigh* Just writing this out is exhausting to me – see what I mean!?
Now in this example I will tell you that I truly want this marriage to reconcile and work not only for our young son, but because it’s God’s will and I don’t want to be divorced. I heard recently that love is not a feeling but a choice. So I suppose I can say that I do love my husband….but I’m not IN love (meaning with the warm, fuzzy feelings). And, I DON’T want him back unless things were different.
And believe me, I’m NOT blaming all of this on him. Although I DO blame him for bailing on us without exhausting ALL other options.
Well, this is enough for now – I need to take a break and get some stuff done around the house.