Call Me the Clay

I have so many things running thru my mind.  I don’t even know where to start.  I suppose that this is part of my journey – the part that God is revealing to me.  But I find myself not only being confused, but saddened and worried and anxious.

Don’t get me wrong – I have NO doubts about God and His love for me.  None.  But it doesn’t alleviate what rolls around in my head.  I went to a place for healing last week and the couple who prayed over me also spent an hour and a half speaking on different things concerning one’s relationship with God etc.  The man mentioned that when all of that ‘stuff’ starts up in the old brain that it is ‘the Evil One’ messing around.  We should command the ‘the Evil One’ leave us alone immediately.

So I’ve been doing that.  A lot.  And, I do believe it is helping.  However, when the hectic part of my life starts up…..I tend to fall back into the old habits again. *sigh*  It’s SO tiring!  I will be glad when it becomes a more natural part of my being.

Here is an example:  After 9 years, my husband walks out on us.  I think I may have mentioned that in a previous post.  I don’t feel like addressing the specific details at this time…..but basically, once the shock wore off, I’m now finding myself wanting to celebrate.  At the same time, I’m feeling guilty about that.  I KNOW that it is not God’s will for a marriage to end.  I KNOW that it is the devil’s desire to destroy that which is of God – ie., marriage.

So it’s a constant battle to tell myself to stop saying and thinking the negative things about our marriage, about my spouse etc.  And at the same time, remind myself that the guilt part is part of the devil’s work too.  *sigh*  Just writing this out is exhausting to me – see what I mean!?

Now in this example I will tell you that I truly want this marriage to reconcile and work not only for our young son, but because it’s God’s will and I don’t want to be divorced.  I heard recently that love is not a feeling but a choice.  So I suppose I can say that I do love my husband….but I’m not IN love (meaning with the warm, fuzzy feelings).  And, I DON’T want him back unless things were different.

And believe me, I’m NOT blaming all of this on him.  Although I DO blame him for bailing on us without exhausting ALL other options.

Well, this is enough for now – I need to take a break and get some stuff done around the house.