Call Me the Clay

I haven’t posted for a few days.  It’s been hectic around here.  I’m still on the emotional roller-coaster with my hubby.  So not much has changed.

I will say that I have been trying to sort out my feelings.  I feel like such an idiot on one hand.  And a quitter on the other.  And I suppose it will depend on the reader’s views and belief system in which one I would be labeled.

I can honestly say that I really CARE about my husband.  I even like him most of the time.  I heard a while back that Love is not so much a feeling as a choice.  If that is true – then I may love him too.  If it’s feelings…..well, then I can’t say that I do.  That part died quite some time ago.

I DO believe that God can move in our lives and if we are willing, He can heal and repair.  However, the key word is ‘willing’ – which is the difficult part.  I have made a conscious effort to be open to God’s will and allow Him to work in my life.  I desire to remain married because I know it’s God’s will AND I believe He can make a difference.  However, I also have very frank conversations with God.  And He knows that I don’t feel I can take my husband back and live the way we had been….there would definitely have to be changes made.  On BOTH our parts.

However, my hubby is not feeling the same.  He is fine to work with me (we work at the same place) – and we are doing fine with relating with each other when it comes to our son – for the most part.  BUT, that is it.  He is NOT willing to go to marriage counseling.  He is NOT willing to do anything more to try to repair our marriage.  So, knowing that God allows us free-will, I don’t see that things will get any better.

So, I went to visit an attorney today.  To see what it is going to cost me to ‘let my hubby go’ once and for all.  Yes, I know that I can wait it out and make hubby pay for the process…..but is that REALLY in my best interest?  I’m not so sure.  I do have to think about my future and my rights when it comes to our son.

Later, I told hubby I was going to ‘let him go’ – and he thanked me.  He apologized for not being able to ‘make things work’.  Dang that hurts.  I hate it.  But, life goes on.

So, I guess I simply ask for prayers from those who are praying people – that God be with us as we go through the process and ultimately that our little boy will be okay.  That hubby and I are able to create a secure and loving environment for our son.

In addition:  I have decided to sign up for Weight Watchers online.  Just to give me that additional boost I need.  I have been a little slow at the tracking part….because I tend to ‘forget’ (thank you Fibromyalgia).  But, I’m getting caught up and looking forward to getting this RIGHT!  Wish me luck!

Also due to the brain fog that comes with the Fibromyalgia – I have forgotten to take my St. John’s Wort for the past 3 days…..and boy, am I feeling it!  I hurt from head to toe……just about every inch of me.  I’ve placed the bottle where I cannot miss them in the morning – and we will hope that things get lined back out!  AND, I am continuing to pray and speak with God about my healing.  I believe it’s in process….it’s working…..it just takes time.

Been watching the new season line-up of network television shows this evening.  So far, nothing really excites me.  I will comment more on that later in the week when I get to see some more.

For now, I’m calling it a night.