Call Me the Clay

I have been suffering from a really bad bout of Fibromyalgia and the Fibro Fog that comes with that lately.  As a result – I want to blog but can’t think clearly enough to figure out what to say or how to say it.  I have decided to attempt it with some random topics but be warned – this may or may not make any sense!

 rd a message this morning about renewing the mind and how we must continually ‘feed’ it in order to win the battle over the sinful nature of our flesh.   One renews the mind by God’s word.  And it hit me that this is where I always struggle the most.  I know this is the reason why I never seem to grow – or grow as much as I desire.  My problem?  Besides the Fibro Fog – which hinders my thinking and concentrating on much of anything – I struggle with reading the bible in general.

Yes, I’ve read it.  Yes, I followed all of the advice from many.  But I admit I do not read it daily.  It has never been satisfying or educational to me.  Maybe because of all of the negativity and ‘don’t do this’ and ‘don’t do that’ in which I was raised – I find the words of the bible to be harsh and cold many times – more criticizing than helping.  When I hear teachings of the bible and it is ‘interpreted’ or I read a devotional piece – I am then able to perceive it in a different light.  But why can’t I do that myself?

I have asked several church leaders over the years.  They never have any helpful advice other than ‘start in the New Testament’ or ‘start with the gospels/Psalms/Proverbs’.  Which, as I’ve stated – I’ve done all of that.  It’s frustrating to me – as I am an avid reader.  I love reading (though I don’t do it as much with the Fibro).  For now – when I go to church or hear a message that particularly moves me – I make note of the scriptures discussed. Then I go back when I’m at home and re-read and study the context in which the scripture(s) are written. 

I don’t know – am I so weird that no one has ever experienced this too?  *sigh* – Someday, Father, someday.

Okay – enough of my whining.  Moving on now…..

So, this weekend was my 30-year class reunion.  That’s depressing – we can’t possibly be that old!  Age is a state of mind – right?  It looks like everyone had a good time.  I didn’t go.  I was too worn out from my vacation and then playing catch up at work.  I have come to learn what my limits are in activity and then how much time it will take for the Fibro to kick in, etc.  So I knew that I would not be able to attend since it fell shortly after my very active vacation.

It’s kind of weird for me though – I never really ‘hung out’ with most of the kids in my own class.  I typically hung out with an older group, and I have a lack of memory (Fibro Fog) –  so the reunion didn’t mean as much to me.  Or maybe it’s Facebook.  It has allowed me to re-connect and see how everyone is doing and that is good enough for me – at least for now.

Random rant….

Let me preface this with I am not one to get on the political bandwagon.  I am not one to jump on the debate team either.  But this T Martin/G Zimmerman issue really bugs me.  I don’t know who did what first or much about the incident – I tend to tune the ‘big’ stories out when the media keeps on and on and on.  But I’ve picked up enough to know how the trial ended – and the firestorm that is now brewing.

I guess the thing that bugs me about this and other similar cases in our history is why everyone immediately has to jump on the racial issue.  Maybe it’s the part of the country that I live in – but I don’t see the discrimination as prevalent as the media makes out.  Yes, it still exists – but it comes from all races – don’t you think?  It seems to me that it has become a crutch or excuse for people to either get special treatment or throw tantrums (called protests or rallies).  And really – does it make any sense whatsoever to destroy the very place that one lives in ‘protest’ (as we have seen play out on national television)?  Why aren’t ‘other’ races having rallies every time someone walks after a crime against one of ‘their own’?  Look at all of the sex offenders/molesters who get a slap on the hand after literally destroying the innocence of a child – some of them are of a ‘different race’ than the victim – so where are the protests and anger there!?

I could go on about this – but like I said, I don’t care to re-hash the same old story that we have all been reading and hearing daily.  But I just want to say one more thing:  I cannot imagine how Zimmerman could get off completely – but I wasn’t on the jury.  That being said – why is it that we adhere to our justice system only when we want to these days, Mr. President? 

Random thought…..

I lost my mom almost 5 years ago.  I loved her.  We were close friends.  But I never cried for her when she passed.  I teared up a bit at the service – but that was mainly due to my daughter and dad crying.  I can’t handle it when my loved ones cry.  People would tell me that ‘it will come’ – just wait. 

So far that still has not happened.  It used to really bug me.  I wondered why there is a part of me that won’t allow it.  In the big picture of things – I believe it goes along with why I don’t have close friends and why I don’t crumble during crisis.  It’s part of a protection mechanism in me.  I don’t allow myself to ‘feel’ too much in certain areas – so I won’t be hurt too much or fall completely apart.  Or at least that’s what I think it is at any rate.  That’s a whole other story that I’ve touched on in other posts – so I won’t go into here.

But to get back to my mom – I do miss her greatly.  Sad thing is – I was missing her before she passed away.  Her quality of life in the end was non-existent.  She suffered greatly for a very long time – again, another story.  Lately though, I find myself thinking of her more often.  And my heart is a bit saddened at times because I wish she were here to see or hear things that I know she would have appreciated.

In spite of my own struggle with the bible study – I have learned or heard certain teachings that I sure wish Mom could have heard.  I know that it would have eased her mind about a few things.  And it would have explained certain things that I recall her wondering about.  And my church – she would have really enjoyed it, I believe.

I have also seen pictures or things lately that make me think of her and how she would have like it.  The other day I saw some yard ornaments of some funny frogs – Mom loved frogs – and I thought of her.  Just this morning I saw the most beautiful full moon through my neighbor’s trees – it was an awesome sight!  I remember her saying she loved God’s beauty in the world and hoped she was around to see much more of it – that was many, many years ago.  And I guess she did get to see a lot in her time!

My 7-year old son thinks about her a lot too.  And that is interesting if you consider his age when she passed away.  It seems like he wouldn’t have much of a memory of her really.  And honestly, I’m not sure that he does have real memories – but from what he does know and hear about her – it’s enough for him.  He likes that she is in heaven and that she feels better.  He wants to see her though – he mentions that a lot.  He says he can hardly wait to get to heaven to see her feeling better.  And he knows how much she loved animals so he is positive that she is ‘taking good care’ of the two dogs we had to put down a couple of years ago.  He is excited about heaven.  And about God.  He has lots of questions for God when he gets there – so He best be ready! LOL

Random thought…..

I need to find a way to make a living from home.  My Fibro pain makes it more and more difficult to keep a regular schedule.  Fibro Fog makes it difficult to think clearly.  I have a very strong desire to teach/train….about something – not sure how that would work though.  I want to create…..something – but can’t decide on what. Ugh!

Random thought…..

Okay – never mind.  Fibro Fog is screwing with my thought process – so I will end the blogging for now.  I hope you weren’t too confused with my ramblings and that you will choose to stick around.  Things will get better – they always do!

Have a great week J