Tag Archive | fibro fog

Journey Down Memory Lane & Back

Mixed emotions.  That is what I have been experiencing lately.  Like a roller-coaster, up on minute, down the next.  Funny how going down memory lane can bring back emotions as if you were back in that time.  It kind of wears you out to be up one moment and then deeply saddened in the very next one.

My daughter and her husband were in town for the weekend.  The trip was quick and of course it went by way too quickly!  We have always been close – and this move has been rough on both of us.  No more dropping in on each other or calling and saying “let’s do lunch” anymore.  So we go from being anxious for days building up to their arrival – to great joy when they get here – and then a crash when they have to leave again.  It’s like mourning all over again.  Each time.
One thing for sure – we definitely appreciate our time together.  We value family and never take each other for granted.  My family has always been close and will always have each others’ back no matter what happens.  I never have understood how people can get ticked off at another family member and then simply cut off all ties.  That’s so sad!
Going down memory lane has been a bit more difficult on me lately.  We all take a stroll into our past from time to time.  Maybe it’s a song that you used to listen to when you were younger.  Or you see a book you read.  And maybe you run into an old classmate.  Whatever it is – it slams you right back into that time period for a few moments.
I find that Facebook has brought about a lot of those little strolls.  Whenever I re-connect with someone from my past.  The older I get – the more I value and appreciate those connections.  There are a few connections that surprise me.  They are the ones that humble me for various reasons.
Recently I reconnected with my first love.  I thought of him a lot through the years and often wondered whatever happened to him.  I honestly wasn’t sure that he was even alive as he was a mess the last time I ran into him.  As a matter of fact, after talking with him that night so long ago – I remember telling my friend I didn’t think he would live long.  So it has been a real joy to see that he did make it – and that his life is good.  My emotions run high with this experience though.
I guess it’s the Fibro Fog again – but for the life of me I cannot recall the specifics of why I broke up with him – other than being young and dumb.  He tells me that I was the only one to break his heart.  And that makes me feel really awful.  Yes, we were young and it’s all part of life….but that is no real excuse.  I regret that I caused him pain.  I regret that I didn’t know what I was doing back then.  And in some ways I regret letting him go.
It seems we both have lived through a lot.  Gone through tough times and survived.  For that I am grateful.  I really enjoy chatting with him and getting to know him all over again.  However, with that brings a lot of mixed feelings.   I find myself being like a school girl anxiously awaiting to hear from him again.  And at the same time – we live totally different lives in different cities.  Too much time has passed and we are different people now.  We can’t go back.  So then I feel like an idiot, ya know?
I’m sure it is the reminiscing about what used to be.  And what could have been.  And being single again.  But as mentioned in past blog posts – I have no intentions of getting into another relationship other than simple friendship.  So what the heck is up with my crazy emotions?!
At any rate – I am thankful for the people God has placed in my life.  And for the special times/connections that I have.  I am thankful that God has always had my back…..after all we are family.
Speaking of God having my back…I have been experiencing much favor of late.  I believe the reason is not that I’m ‘doing’ the right thing now – as that would be relying on my works rather than His grace.  But rather that I am believing that He has already provided everything I need and so much more.  I only have to learn to receive His gifts!
So thank You, Father for always being there for me and mine!

Still On My Journey…Learning More…..Sometimes With My Heels Dug In…..

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I can’t believe I haven’t posted anything since May – and here it is October! A lot has been going on for sure. Some of it has been tough, but I lean heavily on God and He always sees me through!

As mentioned in this previous post, my daughter and son-in-law moved down south.  They are doing well though we are all missing each other like crazy.  My daughter had some serious home-sickness going on for a bit – but I think she is doing better now.

They both came back up a few weeks ago for a visit.  While here, many of their friends came out to the house for a little party.  It sure was fun seeing everyone together again!  And most recently they were here for the wedding of ‘my other daughter’ – as you may have read on previous posts….she is my daughter’s best friend.  They call each other ‘sister’ and I’m ‘Mom’ to her.

I also mentioned that the new job I got after being laid-off was not very enjoyable.  I didn’t want to complain about the job I had after losing the other one…but I was miserable.  I didn’t want to come across as being ungrateful. It was during this time though, that I started learning that I was not leaning on God as much as I thought.

I was so ‘worried’ about being laid-off that I grabbed the first job that came along rather than praying about it and relying on God to open doors for me.  Again, which has been typical in my life, I was trying to be in control and manipulate my situation.

If you read this earlier post of mine, then you will understand my thought process here.  Of course it wasn’t until after I started the new job and began to reflect on my situation that I came to realize that I was still struggling with ‘unbelief’. Though I had faith that God would provide, my unbelief came about in thinking that I needed to jump on that job because there might not be another offer rather than waiting on Him.  So I spent almost 6 months in a job that I was unhappy with and that was not a good fit – for me or the employer.

During this time, I kept studying and learning about God’s grace and His desire to provide for us, His children.  Most recently it dawned on me….

Just as an earthly parent, God does not want His children to suffer, be ill, in pain or live in poverty.  He wants only the best for us.  I have always said I believed that….but I think deep down I always felt like I wasn’t living up to whatever it was in my mind that I thought I should be or be doing for Him.  I felt that because I was ‘failing’ or falling short of what I thought He wanted….then why would He shower me with abundance?  If I couldn’t take care of the little, why would He give me more?

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not talking about doing ‘works’ in order to get to heaven.  But just as with my own children….they may do things that are not what I would choose for them…and they may even disappoint me from time to time.  But would I want them to suffer, do without, hurt?  No way!  So why would I assume God would be any different?

I heard someone say that maybe we shouldn’t be asking God for ‘just enough’ – meaning, why do we ask Him for things like giving us just enough to live comfortably, or feel better, or pay our bills?  We are children of God.  We were made righteous by Christ.  So we should claim it!  We have power through Christ!

So I recently sat down and had a lengthy conversation with my Father.  And I laid it all at the feet of my Savior. It finally made sense to me! I gave thanks.  I cried. And rejoiced.  And cried some more.  But afterwards I felt so much lighter and I could definitely feel a difference.  The burdens were gone.

Very shortly after that…things started happening for me:

First of all, I hurt my back carrying something at work that was WAY to heavy.  And I was laying in bed on the 3rd night of the worst pain I have ever been in.  But through the misery – I kept repeating thanks over and over for the healing.  And sure enough, the pain went away without seeking medical care.

Every time I found my mind wanting to head down in the dumps or start with the negative thoughts – I would correct myself and say thanks to my Father.  I gave thanks for my healing (we are healed by his stripes….) and thanks for His provision. Let me tell you….it was not – and still isn’t – a natural or automatic thing for me.  I am so used to thinking ‘here we go again’ or something negative…and then gearing up to deal with it.  So, I have had to repeat many, many times that I do not have to carry the burden….God’s got this!

Next, I got a call from someone that I have always considered a mentor of mine.  I had worked with him in the past and though we parted ways years ago, I would still do some ‘virtual assistant’ jobs for him from time to time.  I also know his boss – the owner of the company in which he works now – from that same time period in our past.  He asked me to stop in to help them with some personnel issues.  I agreed.

When I got there, both of them were there telling me about how some things had changed within the company – and they wanted to offer me a job!!!  You have to understand – I have wanted to work for them for years!  And here it was, out of the clear blue, being offered!  Needless to say, I accepted the job.

Within the first week – I was given a raise…to cover the healthcare premiums – so that it wouldn’t cut into my take home pay. Can you believe that!?  I was also assured that I would be getting my pay bumped up very soon.

Then came the realization that I was most likely going to lose my insurance on my home – due to ‘forgetting’ (Fibro Fog) to pay it…and my first check was coming in exactly one week later than the cut-off date.  Again I found myself starting to get stressed.  But I reminded myself that God’s got this….and I was just along for the ride.

Sure enough – no quicker had those thoughts crossed my mind when my boss asked me how I was with the gap between my last job’s payday and this one.  I told him I was figuring it out.  He told me to give him a figure and he would advance it to me.  I did.  He did.  When I asked about re-paying it…..I was told not to worry about it right now.  So, house insurance was paid – literally within 4 hours of it being cancelled!

For many – this may sound like small potatoes….but for me – this is huge!  For the first time in my life, I feel that things are going to be good for me!  I no longer feel like I screwed up and therefore it is what it is!  Of course there will still be things to come up and I will probably have to remind myself another few hundred times to let things go….but I’m confident that it will become easier as I’m growing and learning more!

Next on my list is my health – again, I’ve spoken with God about this and I am confident that my body is repairing itself and I will no longer suffer.  For now, I find that when I’m getting caught up in the ‘unbelief’ – my Fibro starts acting up.  Once I claim healing and refuse to worry about the situation the symptoms recede.  I believe that for now this is my little reminder to help get me back on track.  But I also fully believe that I am healed and that my healthy body will manifest once I learn to accept the gift given to me.

And finally…..relationships.  I’m not sure where I’m going here yet.  But I’m trusting God to lead me.  At the moment, with all of the pain and mistrust I’ve experienced in this area….I do not want an intimate relationship with another man…ever!  But at the same time, I find myself lonely and wishing for companionship.  However, I will wait on my Father and see what He has in mind for me.  Maybe it’s more than I can ever dream of…..or maybe I’m not supposed to have another man in my life….either way, I’m good with that.

F.R.O.G. = Fully Relying On God…..that’s the fun part….once you learn to relax and go with it!

Life Experiences: Fibromyalgia & Fibro Fog

Many people have never heard of Fibromyalgia.  Some have heard of it but have no idea of what it is.  Some people know that it means you have chronic pain – but that is all they know.  Some don’t believe it even exists….

I remember the day my doctor finally said that he believed I have it.  Leading up to that day, I was in his office on multiple occasions with tears in my eyes telling him I was so very tired of hurting all of the time.  We tried many things.  Finally on that day, he said he hated to put this diagnosis on me because it would be like putting a label on me.  He said that many doctors still do not believe it is a ‘real’ disease/condition and therefore tend to ‘ignore’ your complaints.

However, I was somewhat relieved in simply having an answer to my problems.  It was a relief to have a name to put with the condition rather than believing I was going nuts – LOL!

My doc knows me well though – and as he predicted – I was not ready to throw in the towel and start taking prescribed meds for it.  I wanted to see what else I could do.  I was already on an anti-depressant and it wasn’t doing much.  The thought was that if one was depressed, it could bring on pain – OR that the pain was bringing on depression (chicken or the egg situation).

So he recommended several things such as massage therapy, exercise, etc.

I tried them.  Massage therapy caused more pain.  It created newer areas of pain.  Exercising seems to make me hurt more.  Not the kind of muscle pain – like a good exercise would do…..this was down deep-in-my-bones kind of pain.  I researched online to find what others were doing – and I tried various things.

Ultimately, the best solution for me is taking Luminex that I purchase through a company called Melaleuca.  It is a St. John’s Wort & Griffonia Seed Extract combo.  I’ve tried over-the-counter St. John’s Wort – and it has not worked for me, but I read that it has helped many. When I take Luminex I find that not only does much of the pain subside – but I also have clarity of mind.  Which is HUGE!

You see, when you have Fibromyalgia, you also get Fibro Fog – which is a term used for describing forgetfulness, memory loss or the lack of mental clarity with this disease/condition.  I can best describe it as when you try to recall someone’s name and you say it is ‘on the tip of your tongue’.  It feels like I know this – but can’t get the thought or memory to come to full fruition. Or you find yourself having trouble concentrating and are very forgetful. It is very, very frustrating. 

It took a while for my family to realize that I really didn’t remember things.  They would be so aggravated because ‘we already discussed it’ or ‘I already told you – don’t you remember?’.  We finally got on the same track and they understood that no, I did not remember and they were going to have to get used to reminding me.  And I’ve learned to set reminders on my calendar or set alarms on my phone for even the smallest things.

I’ve also learned my limits.  I know exactly how much energy and how many days I can go before I start suffering from major pain now.  For instance, I know that if I am out doing things after 8 hours of work – I better call it a night early to compensate for that or by the end of the week – I can barely make it through the day without being in loads of pain.  So I space my activities out to allow for more resting than normal.  I plan ahead for activities on the weekends too – I have to allow plenty of down time afterwards or I will be missing work the following week.

I have also discovered that stress is a major factor.  Once I made it through my divorce and I changed jobs – because I had been in a very high-stress position for several years – many of my symptoms went into remission.  But let something stressful pop up and I instantly feel it in my back.  My back and neck will knot up and within a day or two it will feel like it is on fire in one or two concentrated areas.  And, if left long enough without my attempting to do something to relieve it – I find that the pain often travels to different areas.

And just in case it helps someone else – I also found that when something just won’t stop hurting – such as a specific spot on my back or leg – I can take a Loofah-type back scrubber and lightly scrub the area of pain and surrounding area as well.  It is like it stimulates all of the nerve endings and therefore the area that was causing so much trouble kind of relaxes. 

So how did it all start for me?  I thought I had pulled some muscles in my back when in labor with my son because they did a double dose of epidural on me and when it came time to push – I couldn’t really feel if I was pushing or not.  So I was doing my best without feeling….and figured I over-did it because I made myself throw up in the middle of all that trying.  

Even weeks afterwards, it got to the point where it felt like my entire back was one giant muscle spasm – constantly.  To top it off, the slightest touch hurt like I was bruised.  It actually took 3 years for the muscle spasm feeling to subside.  But the bruised feeling remained.

These days I often say my ‘everything hurts’ – because most of me does hurt.  There is never a day or a moment where there is nothing hurting.  For me it is mainly my skin, muscles and joints.  If something scratches my skin – even if the skin is not broken and there is nothing visible to the eye – that spot will hurt for a day or two just as if it were an open wound.  I have an overall pain that is constant – and then there are more concentrated pains such as the burning in the muscles of my back and shoulders or random shots of pain that can be anywhere.  Sometimes I will get an electric shot of pain in the palm of my right hand for instance, and then it will quickly shoot up to my elbow and then over to my left arm or something weird like that.

Many times I can’t sleep because my entire body hurts.  There is no good way to sleep when your skin hurts – and all of that constant pain and lack of good sleep tends to make the mind weary.  I suppose that is where the Fibro Fog comes from.  My retention for things is gone.  And that is tough as I have always been a sharp-minded person.

I could go on and on – but you get the picture.  I recently told my dad that I really believe my mom (who passed away in ’08) had Fibromyalgia – but it didn’t have a name way-back-when.  My heart hurts for her in all of the pain that she was in and no one could comprehend or understand.  I remember her crying because she hurt – and nothing seemed to help.  And let’s face it – it is difficult to have sympathy for someone when you can’t see what their problem is in a physical sense.

So for those of you who have it – I’m so sorry.  And I understand completely – even if your symptoms are different than mine.  I get it. 

For those of you who do not have it – please tune in and try to have compassion for others who are suffering from this or other conditions that are not visible to the eye.  It doesn’t mean it is not real.  It doesn’t mean that we are complaining for no good reason.  We don’t need you to have the solution – trust me, we’ve been there, done that with all of our doctors and tests – but just know that we may be a little slower or need to rest a little more often in order to maintain a decent life.  Know that we want to be included – even if we can’t participate – we appreciate being remembered – at least invited.  And if we can’t make it at all – we still want to hear about it afterwards – don’t shut us out completely.  Don’t leave us lonely.  It may seem like we just want to lay around and be lazy….but that is not the case – trust me.  We just need to plan ahead even for the smallest things and we need to be able to cut out early if need be.

Thanks – and have a wonderful week!

Catch Up Time and In the News

ME:

I have posted about the detox I was trying.  And I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned how it didn’t work for me.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m pretty sure it would have worked – but for whatever reason it did not do well with my Fibromyalgia.  And though I was told that it was just a phase that my body was going through and it would pass – unfortunately I could not ride that wave out.

It triggered something that kicked my pain into gear and I have yet to get it under control.  This has now been going on since May of this year.  I have been in more pain than ever before.  My Fibro Fog is back more than before.  And for the most part it seems to be getting worse. I feel miserable.

But I have to tell you – I am hard headed and I don’t give up easily!  So, I am determined to find a solution that works for me.  

I stumbled across something on television and then started reading up on it on the internet that intrigues me.  Hormone imbalance.  So, I’m thinking I might check this out a bit more.  I’ve acquired some supplements that supposedly helps to regulate certain things and we will see how it goes.  

Though I’ve gained my weight back that I had lost through all of this – I am hopeful that if nothing else, this will at least help me to feel a little  better.

NEWS:

Have you heard of this ridiculous game called “Knockout”?  Can you believe that our youth are finding this entertaining and funny!?  We have raised a generation of unfeeling, uncaring individuals.  They are cruel and mean.  Here is a link if you would like an up close and personal view of what this entails.  I want to say more – but words escape me.

And here is a link to an article and video that shows just how dumb we’ve become – can’t see the forest for the trees kind of thing.  Whether you agree or disagree with what the father of these children says — you have to admit that arresting this man for obstruction is stupid. 

Can you believe that typhoon in the Philippines recently!?  Scary, scary deal.  My uncle’s wife has family there – it was a long and torturous wait to see if they made it out alive.  Thank God they did – but they have no place to live now.  And help was slow reaching them.  I don’t believe people realize just how dangerous life is after such an event.  There are gangs of people stealing and raping and doing whatever they want.  And no one to protect the innocent.  Can you imagine the horror that the children have seen?  How does one ever get over it?  How does it not haunt your dreams forever?  Please pray for these poor people as recovery will take years I’m sure.

OTHER:

And finally, I watched a movie recently while taking care of my son (he had bronchitis) that really touched my heart.  Where I was when ‘The Letter Writer‘ came out, I have no idea.  But this movie is quite inspiring.  If you haven’t seen it – do so – you will be glad that you did!

Okay – enough for now – I just wanted to touch base.  I’ve wanted to blog more – but my Fibro Fog has me at a loss for words.  But don’t give up on me – cause I’m not!  I will be back 😀

RANDOM FIBRO-BURSTS

ImageI have been suffering from a really bad bout of Fibromyalgia and the Fibro Fog that comes with that lately.  As a result – I want to blog but can’t think clearly enough to figure out what to say or how to say it.  I have decided to attempt it with some random topics but be warned – this may or may not make any sense!

 rd a message this morning about renewing the mind and how we must continually ‘feed’ it in order to win the battle over the sinful nature of our flesh.   One renews the mind by God’s word.  And it hit me that this is where I always struggle the most.  I know this is the reason why I never seem to grow – or grow as much as I desire.  My problem?  Besides the Fibro Fog – which hinders my thinking and concentrating on much of anything – I struggle with reading the bible in general.

Yes, I’ve read it.  Yes, I followed all of the advice from many.  But I admit I do not read it daily.  It has never been satisfying or educational to me.  Maybe because of all of the negativity and ‘don’t do this’ and ‘don’t do that’ in which I was raised – I find the words of the bible to be harsh and cold many times – more criticizing than helping.  When I hear teachings of the bible and it is ‘interpreted’ or I read a devotional piece – I am then able to perceive it in a different light.  But why can’t I do that myself?

I have asked several church leaders over the years.  They never have any helpful advice other than ‘start in the New Testament’ or ‘start with the gospels/Psalms/Proverbs’.  Which, as I’ve stated – I’ve done all of that.  It’s frustrating to me – as I am an avid reader.  I love reading (though I don’t do it as much with the Fibro).  For now – when I go to church or hear a message that particularly moves me – I make note of the scriptures discussed. Then I go back when I’m at home and re-read and study the context in which the scripture(s) are written. 

I don’t know – am I so weird that no one has ever experienced this too?  *sigh* – Someday, Father, someday.

Okay – enough of my whining.  Moving on now…..

So, this weekend was my 30-year class reunion.  That’s depressing – we can’t possibly be that old!  Age is a state of mind – right?  It looks like everyone had a good time.  I didn’t go.  I was too worn out from my vacation and then playing catch up at work.  I have come to learn what my limits are in activity and then how much time it will take for the Fibro to kick in, etc.  So I knew that I would not be able to attend since it fell shortly after my very active vacation.

It’s kind of weird for me though – I never really ‘hung out’ with most of the kids in my own class.  I typically hung out with an older group, and I have a lack of memory (Fibro Fog) –  so the reunion didn’t mean as much to me.  Or maybe it’s Facebook.  It has allowed me to re-connect and see how everyone is doing and that is good enough for me – at least for now.

Random rant….

Let me preface this with I am not one to get on the political bandwagon.  I am not one to jump on the debate team either.  But this T Martin/G Zimmerman issue really bugs me.  I don’t know who did what first or much about the incident – I tend to tune the ‘big’ stories out when the media keeps on and on and on.  But I’ve picked up enough to know how the trial ended – and the firestorm that is now brewing.

I guess the thing that bugs me about this and other similar cases in our history is why everyone immediately has to jump on the racial issue.  Maybe it’s the part of the country that I live in – but I don’t see the discrimination as prevalent as the media makes out.  Yes, it still exists – but it comes from all races – don’t you think?  It seems to me that it has become a crutch or excuse for people to either get special treatment or throw tantrums (called protests or rallies).  And really – does it make any sense whatsoever to destroy the very place that one lives in ‘protest’ (as we have seen play out on national television)?  Why aren’t ‘other’ races having rallies every time someone walks after a crime against one of ‘their own’?  Look at all of the sex offenders/molesters who get a slap on the hand after literally destroying the innocence of a child – some of them are of a ‘different race’ than the victim – so where are the protests and anger there!?

I could go on about this – but like I said, I don’t care to re-hash the same old story that we have all been reading and hearing daily.  But I just want to say one more thing:  I cannot imagine how Zimmerman could get off completely – but I wasn’t on the jury.  That being said – why is it that we adhere to our justice system only when we want to these days, Mr. President? 

Random thought…..

I lost my mom almost 5 years ago.  I loved her.  We were close friends.  But I never cried for her when she passed.  I teared up a bit at the service – but that was mainly due to my daughter and dad crying.  I can’t handle it when my loved ones cry.  People would tell me that ‘it will come’ – just wait. 

So far that still has not happened.  It used to really bug me.  I wondered why there is a part of me that won’t allow it.  In the big picture of things – I believe it goes along with why I don’t have close friends and why I don’t crumble during crisis.  It’s part of a protection mechanism in me.  I don’t allow myself to ‘feel’ too much in certain areas – so I won’t be hurt too much or fall completely apart.  Or at least that’s what I think it is at any rate.  That’s a whole other story that I’ve touched on in other posts – so I won’t go into here.

But to get back to my mom – I do miss her greatly.  Sad thing is – I was missing her before she passed away.  Her quality of life in the end was non-existent.  She suffered greatly for a very long time – again, another story.  Lately though, I find myself thinking of her more often.  And my heart is a bit saddened at times because I wish she were here to see or hear things that I know she would have appreciated.

In spite of my own struggle with the bible study – I have learned or heard certain teachings that I sure wish Mom could have heard.  I know that it would have eased her mind about a few things.  And it would have explained certain things that I recall her wondering about.  And my church – she would have really enjoyed it, I believe.

I have also seen pictures or things lately that make me think of her and how she would have like it.  The other day I saw some yard ornaments of some funny frogs – Mom loved frogs – and I thought of her.  Just this morning I saw the most beautiful full moon through my neighbor’s trees – it was an awesome sight!  I remember her saying she loved God’s beauty in the world and hoped she was around to see much more of it – that was many, many years ago.  And I guess she did get to see a lot in her time!

My 7-year old son thinks about her a lot too.  And that is interesting if you consider his age when she passed away.  It seems like he wouldn’t have much of a memory of her really.  And honestly, I’m not sure that he does have real memories – but from what he does know and hear about her – it’s enough for him.  He likes that she is in heaven and that she feels better.  He wants to see her though – he mentions that a lot.  He says he can hardly wait to get to heaven to see her feeling better.  And he knows how much she loved animals so he is positive that she is ‘taking good care’ of the two dogs we had to put down a couple of years ago.  He is excited about heaven.  And about God.  He has lots of questions for God when he gets there – so He best be ready! LOL

Random thought…..

I need to find a way to make a living from home.  My Fibro pain makes it more and more difficult to keep a regular schedule.  Fibro Fog makes it difficult to think clearly.  I have a very strong desire to teach/train….about something – not sure how that would work though.  I want to create…..something – but can’t decide on what. Ugh!

Random thought…..

Okay – never mind.  Fibro Fog is screwing with my thought process – so I will end the blogging for now.  I hope you weren’t too confused with my ramblings and that you will choose to stick around.  Things will get better – they always do!

Have a great week J

Life Goes On….

So, things have been hectic to say the least.  Our divorce was final on July 5th.  And I took him to the airport on the 6th – so he could take off to Mexico and be with the one he claims to love.  How crazy is that!?!?  Most people think I’m nuts for doing that.  But my reasoning is that I could then know 100% where my son was when the ‘ex’ was leaving the country.  I wish I could say I trust him to do the right thing when it comes to our son….but honestly, I don’t know who he is anymore.  His own family and coworkers say the same thing.  No one knows how one person could possibly change so completely.  How can one’s personality completely change practically over night?

It’s pretty sad.  As mentioned in numerous posts, I hate that we couldn’t make it work.  But more than that – if we couldn’t succeed….I was hoping that we could be on friendly terms for our son’s sake.  And so far, I believe my son has not felt any ill feelings or animosity between us.  HOWEVER….I’m not sure how long I can take the hidden agendas and secrets and back-stabbing that comes from his father.  He is really good at manipulating people.  He plays mind-games.  And if you aren’t careful, you get caught up in it before you know it!

I could go on and on about all of the manipulation he’s attempted lately….but I’ve decided to move on and I don’t care to rehash it.  I can say however, that I truly believed that I had forgiven him…but after some things I’ve discovered recently (some of which proves that he was in this relationship PRIOR to his leaving – as I suspected and he denied)….I am going to have to work on the forgiveness again.  Because right now, I’m pissed.

I have also decided to take charge of my life in other areas too.  For as many years as I can remember, I’ve allowed my life to revolve around men.  All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved and wanted by a man.  This doesn’t mean that I can’t stand on my own two feet….because I can.  I have in the past and can again.  But I prefer to be in a relationship.  However, because of this way of thinking – I depended too much on man to complete my world.  To make me happy.  To feel loved and worthy.  And, of course, I’ve been let down greatly because let’s face it – we humans are…..human.

I know that I should have had my focus on God first.  Actually, I thought I had that one down.  But for the past few years, I’ve come to realize that I did not put God first.  I am still struggling with that.  I want to depend on God and have that relationship that I’ve always desired.  But I can’t seem to ‘remember’ to put Him first.  I can’t ‘remember’ to go to Him daily.  I can’t ‘remember’ to read His word. 

I don’t know if it’s all of the stress I’ve been under for so long or the ‘fibro-fog’ or peri-menopause that has my brain barely functioning any more.  But I do good to make it through the day anymore.  My mind is so scattered.  Forget about reading.  Or praying most days.  It’s not on purpose…..I just can’t slow down….or when I do, I fall asleep.  Part of it is that I just can’t bring myself to think too deeply for too long.  I guess I’m afraid that I might have to deal with some issues or emotions that I just don’t think I can handle right now.  Does that make sense?

This has led me to consider making a few more changes in my life.  My job for one.  I have come to the conclusion that I need a change.  If I simply processed paperwork – it wouldn’t be so bad.  But, because I also have to deal with everyone complaining and whining….it’s gotten really old.  I do not believe I’ve ever seen so many ugly, hateful acting people in my life!  For a place where we are supposed to have a heart for others….there sure is a lot of backstabbing and lying and outright deceit.  Oh don’t get me wrong…I understand that this goes on in most places.  But not to this extent, believe me! 

Then when you add that somewhere, somehow the employees feel entitled to have everything their way and immediately.  They do not feel accountable for anything and they don’t care about their responsibilities.  It definitely makes you dread going to work.

So, I find myself thinking about other employment these days.  Problem is….I don’t have a college degree.  I have a couple of certificates of completion….but no actual degree.  Yes, I could go back to school….but again, I don’t think my brain and my stress limit will allow for this.  The other problem is pay.  When I look around at what people are being paid…..I feel I better stay where I’m at for now.  I guess you could say that I’ve kind of worked myself into a corner and can find no way out just yet.

The other is my daughter.  I love, love, love her.  And she has been a great kid.  I’m proud of her.  However, she’s been going through some stuff of her own.  I believe that my divorce was the breaking point for her.  He and she got along great in the beginning….but as the years passed by, it became more strained until it was complete bitterness.  He played mind games with her too many times.  He hurt her greatly.  BUT – bottom line was that he was her ‘dad’ when her own dad was nowhere to be found all her life.

So, when we split up….she became very angry. She was/is constantly mad at everyone around.  No one can do right by her.  She became the most hateful and hurtful person to me…..I’ve never experienced anything like it.  And most times, I simply sat there stunned and looked at her because I had no idea who she was anymore.  She and I were always close and could talk about anything….but that is no more.  I was to the point of telling her to pack her things and move out (she’s almost 19 now).

She then decided to go ahead with her plans for school (after taking a year off).  However, she needs me to pay for part of it because her scholarship and grants won’t pay for it all.  I agreed to help her on one condition – and that is she has to seek counseling to work through the anger and whatever else she is experiencing.  She agreed.

So here we are.  I have decided to take no more bull from the ‘ex’, the angry daughter and/or the folks at work who seek to make life miserable for everyone around them.  Don’t bother….I won’t accept being walked on any longer!

I’m also considering a move.  I like small towns.  I’m sick of the big ones.  I don’t need to live where there are nightclubs etc.  I want peaceful.  I want simple.  Less stress.  I want friendly faces that you recognize.    And I want water (we are all running out of water due to the drought in this area).  I now have to find one where I can make a living….

So like I said in the title….Life Goes On…..and I will continue…..and I will strive for happiness and contentment…..and guess what?  I WILL SUCCEED~!!!