Call Me the Clay

 

I have had a rough couple of weeks.  I am frustrated with myself – which seems to be a recurring issue.  One that I am trying to work on but have a long ways to go!

If you have been reading my posts you know that I have been trying a detox program.  One that is supposed to get my system straightened up (hormones, candida, you name it).  In turn, it is supposed to make you feel better and ultimately lose weight.  Let me first say I’m very hard-headed (just ask anyone who knows me personally – Ha!).  So please do not think that I am giving up though I am struggling.

I just read something that a Twitter friend sent me as he realized that I was having a rough time – and it certainly gave me some things to think about.  Actually, there are quite a few things that came to mind while reading it – but for now I’m going to stick to just a couple of things.

As mentioned in my previous post – I backslid in my detox program.  I couldn’t take the pain from what they call ‘healing crisis’.  I wimped out.  At least that is my self-talk of late.  Negative self-talk is where I struggle the most in my life.  Logically, I KNOW better.  I KNOW that it is not of God.  I KNOW.  But I have a hard time with it just the same.

I have learned loads of things concerning nutrition and how how body works during this journey.  So on the positive side, if I were to completely stop now I can say that I have gained knowledge that I didn’t have prior to this program.

Once I stopped the liquid-only portion of the detox program – the part that caused my fibromyalgia to flare up – I simply have had a hard time getting back on task.  I started feeling better when I started eating again – so that was good.  But it seems that by the end of that week, I had fallen completely off of the wagon and easily went right back into my old habits.  By the end of the following week – I am extremely exhausted.  Its as if I have had absolutely no sleep.  I can’t think straight.  I can’t focus.  I have no desire to do anything at all.  I also find myself anxious and stressed for no reason.  And I am irritable and grumpy – which is not my nature….it only shows up when I’m tired and stressed.  I also struggle with my writing, which is very discouraging.

As the author of that post I read – there is One who knows what is in store for me.  He alone knows the path I will take and what lies in my future.  I simply have to have faith and rely fully on God.  I believe that is where I am coming up short. 

You see, I realize these things – but struggle with them ‘sticking’ – if you know what I mean.  I don’t know if it is the focus issue I have or not….but I do not that my clarity was improving as I was on this program.  So I am determined to figure out what works for me.

What is going to be different?  First, I am going to stop ‘trying’ to do it myself.  Though I’ve said that I am relying on God – I have concluded that I only do that to an extent. I pray for help but that is as far as it has gone lately.  I even struggle with finding the words to say – though I am well aware that He knows my heart.  I believe that.

I also hope to get to a place where I will replace the negative self-talk to some serious God-talk.  Instead of talking to myself and beating myself up – why not talk to God and let Him speak to me!?  

I’m not going to do the liquid portion of that program again.  But I am going to take the things I’m learning about God’s wonderful creations – our bodies and the wonderful, natural foods He provides for us.  I am going to try juicing I think.  See how it goes.  That seems to be a good way to get an abundance of nutrients in a simple manner.

Also, I haven’t really ‘connected’ with most of my classmates from school.  I find that I am so unhappy with myself and how I have let myself go – that I don’t feel the strength and self-confidence to face people from my skinny days.  However, for some reason – a few weeks ago, I ‘friended’ an old classmate on FB.  I was somewhat in awe of his life.  He and his wife were in the Boston Marathon this year.  And from what I could tell, they run….a lot.  I’ve always wanted to run….but even when I was thin, it didn’t seem a possibility – don’t ask why, because I have no idea why I thought that except that I had very low self-esteem when I was younger.

Recently, he posted a pic of him AND his wife standing inside of a pair of pants that he used to wear!  I asked him how he did it being that he was physically in such bad shape.  He then told me his story.  He has now become one of my role models – though he doesn’t know it.  But it has inspired me to do what I’ve wanted to for years.

I don’t know if I will actually make it to the degree that he has – I don’t even know that it is something I am interested in doing.  But I do believe that I will at least get to the point that I can run – if I want to.

And on a final note, I have been through a lot in my life.  Many say they can’t believe how strong I am or how much I’ve had to deal with and come out of it with such victory.  Example:  My kids have been raised by a single mom – and they are good, well-mannered kids!  No drugs, gangs, pregnancies etc. And above all – they know about God and how to count on Him! 

So this is the toughest thing I’ve had to deal with in quite some time.  And I believe that most of it is because of my own shortcomings.  My own stubborn ways.  My own fear of failure – which in turn makes me quit BEFORE failing.  BUT – I know where the answer lies.  I know deep down that I simply need to STOP.  Stop trying.  Stop doing.  Stop relying on my own abilities.  

Instead, fully rely on God – not halfway.  Wait on Him – which is what I started doing, but stopped.  My self-talk will now be to remind myself over and over and over….as long as it takes to become victorious.  

If you are a praying person – I would appreciate it if you add me to your prayer list!  And as always – I will keep you posted!

Thanks!