Call Me the Clay

That pretty much sums it up – I’ve been through a LOT lately!  But then again, haven’t we all?  So let me start this out by saying that my heart goes out to you in what you’ve been going through (and may still be going through).  I despise hearing ‘things will get better, hang in there’ – but you know what?  It’s true. 

I was telling my dad (he’s my friend, my confidant) that I feel like I’ve just come out of a very long and painful journey.  Feel like I’ve been beat up pretty consistently for the past 4-5 years.  And though I can honestly say that things are better and getting brighter….it seems to be a slow process.  I feel that my body is having to go slow at the healing process.  The awesome thing is – I DO feel the process.  It is getting better and as it is, I have time to reflect on what went down, how it might have been different ‘if’ and the lessons that I’ve learned.

I’ve been hurt deeper than I ever thought possible – but I CHOOSE not to allow that to make me an angry, bitter person.  I’m not allowing it to make me a person fearful of my future or of relationships with people.  I just have to remember that everyone is on a journey – everyone screws up – and though their actions in relation to me were unacceptable on so many levels……they will figure it out one way or another.  What goes around, comes around….right? ;-D

Lost my mother.  That one hurt too.  And lonely – because she was my best friend.  I think that was because we moved around a lot when I was growing up….so it didn’t make sense to become too close with anyone because before you know it, we were packing up and moving on.  I made LOADS of friends….just not close friends.  Sadly, I’m now realizing the full impact of that these days.  I long to have true friends – REAL friends – but because I never learned how to be one, I suppose….I don’t have any.  And now that I’m single once again – I’m finding that to be a very lonely situation to be in.

The non-stop stress that I’ve been under both in my personal life and work has really taken its toll on me too.  Yes, I am over my ideal weight.  Yes, I hate it.  But no, I can’t just ‘fix it’.  This seems to be a part of my healing that will take some time.  But I have faith that I will get there eventually.  I won’t get into all of the physical ailments that I’ve acquired through this crazy mess right now – but let me say, I am definitely paying the price for not being more attentive to my own well-being!

Through all of this – I know that one cannot let the hardships of life get you down.  Or, at least you can’t let it keep you down!  We all get knocked off of our feet – but we must get back up and keep on living.  Yes, it can seem like the darkness will never go away…..but trust me, it does.  For example – my light at the end of the tunnel is shining in many ways for me! 

• Yes, I experienced a painful divorce, but through time I have healed to the point that I can now see the stress of our marriage was not good for me.  I can now feel myself getting healthier and stronger.
  
• I am losing weight slowly just because the stress has been lifted. Meaning – I’m not dieting, but it’s just coming off now!
  
• I have a new job with practically no burden of stress…..and I ENJOY it!!!  It’s been a long time since I’ve actually enjoyed working.
• I am under less financial strain
• I have time to read – which I love!
• My mental function is operating better….we are still working on this one….but its better
• I FEEL better physically!
• I’m laughing out loud again
• My kids are happier too!

My list could go on, but you get the point!  And to top it off, I stumbled across a wonderful book and author who reminds me often to laugh and to live life at the fullest no matter where you are at the moment!  You can check her out here:  http://stephaniemcafee.wordpress.com/2012/01/14/what-my-book-is-really-about-by-stephanie-mcafee/

And get her book here: http://www.amazon.com/Diary-Mad-Fat-Girl-ebook/dp/B004H8GVHC