This past year has been a tough one. It’s been a long one in a lot of ways too. But as 2018 comes to a close and we just finished our Christmas holiday together, I’m feeling pretty emotional. You know me – I get weepy when I try to express my feelings – so here goes in writing.
You and I have been through a lot over the years. It has been me-n-you since you were barely a year old. Look at you now – a 26 year old, a grown-up, an adult, a mother of two, a wife!
I am honored to call you my daughter, my best friend, my confidante. And I thank God for you daily! I’ve watched you take on the world and be pretty darned successful at whatever you put your mind to.
You are a person to be admired. For your strength. For your inner power. Your beauty. Your kindness. That giant heart of yours. As your kindergarten teacher told me when you were just 5 years old – You are destined to be a leader if you were guided in the right direction.
Though I definitely made a lot of mistakes raising you (as all parents do) – I believe that God helped me to help you and hopefully kept you pretty much on the right path. I do not take credit except to say that I allowed God to use me as a means to get you where He wanted you to be.
I see you now in your adulthood – often times doubting yourself. Lacking the self-confidence you used to portray to others and battling with depression/anxiety issues. It breaks my heart. Because I know you are still that vibrant, funny, smart and strong young woman you’ve always been. Trust me – its still there….you only need to dig a little deeper to find it.
One only needs to witness your life (as I have) or hear your testimony to know that you’ve ‘still got it.’ You ARE that leader the teacher spoke of way back then – even if you don’t see it.
When we are tired and beaten down in life – that is when Satan goes to work on us. And I believe that is when he gets to you. But you only need to look around to see that YOU ARE OKAY and YOU ARE WORTHY and YOU ARE LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY.
You have a fabulous husband. One that most women can only dream of having. He is your perfect match – the one who God prepared for you! You two fit.
Your children. When you doubt yourself – look at them. They are happy children. That doesn’t happen by accident, you know. YOU are playing a huge role. YOU are helping to form their little personalities. YOU are teaching them to lean on God. YOU bring them laughter and fun!
Of course there are days when everyone is disobedient or crying or whatever… But you can’t let that be the measuring tool for how you are doing and your value. Look at the bigger picture and you will see what I see. What others see. You are doing a great job!
I pray that you continue to grow in God’s will and allow Him to help you as only He can do. And I sure look forward to spending more time together soon.
In addition, as a side note, I wish we lived closer together. God willing, maybe someday that will change. But until then, I will value and treasure each visit we get and continue to be in awe of you and how you raise your children, how your marriage works, how it includes God and how inspiring you are to others.
Keep doing what you are doing, my daughter – because I believe you are on the right path!
“It Was The Love”
“A real friend never gets in your way–unless you happen to be on the way down.” — Wayne Dyer
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they rather be anywhere else.” — Len Wein
“Excellence is the gradual result of always striving to do better.” — Pat Riley
“The greatest achievement is to outperform yourself.” — Denis Waitley
And finally: “God, grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the PEOPLE I cannot change, the courage to change the one I CAN, and the wisdom to know….it”s ME!” — John G. Miller
I can’t believe I haven’t posted anything since May – and here it is October! A lot has been going on for sure. Some of it has been tough, but I lean heavily on God and He always sees me through!
As mentioned in this previous post, my daughter and son-in-law moved down south. They are doing well though we are all missing each other like crazy. My daughter had some serious home-sickness going on for a bit – but I think she is doing better now.
They both came back up a few weeks ago for a visit. While here, many of their friends came out to the house for a little party. It sure was fun seeing everyone together again! And most recently they were here for the wedding of ‘my other daughter’ – as you may have read on previous posts….she is my daughter’s best friend. They call each other ‘sister’ and I’m ‘Mom’ to her.
I also mentioned that the new job I got after being laid-off was not very enjoyable. I didn’t want to complain about the job I had after losing the other one…but I was miserable. I didn’t want to come across as being ungrateful. It was during this time though, that I started learning that I was not leaning on God as much as I thought.
I was so ‘worried’ about being laid-off that I grabbed the first job that came along rather than praying about it and relying on God to open doors for me. Again, which has been typical in my life, I was trying to be in control and manipulate my situation.
If you read this earlier post of mine, then you will understand my thought process here. Of course it wasn’t until after I started the new job and began to reflect on my situation that I came to realize that I was still struggling with ‘unbelief’. Though I had faith that God would provide, my unbelief came about in thinking that I needed to jump on that job because there might not be another offer rather than waiting on Him. So I spent almost 6 months in a job that I was unhappy with and that was not a good fit – for me or the employer.
During this time, I kept studying and learning about God’s grace and His desire to provide for us, His children. Most recently it dawned on me….
Just as an earthly parent, God does not want His children to suffer, be ill, in pain or live in poverty. He wants only the best for us. I have always said I believed that….but I think deep down I always felt like I wasn’t living up to whatever it was in my mind that I thought I should be or be doing for Him. I felt that because I was ‘failing’ or falling short of what I thought He wanted….then why would He shower me with abundance? If I couldn’t take care of the little, why would He give me more?
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not talking about doing ‘works’ in order to get to heaven. But just as with my own children….they may do things that are not what I would choose for them…and they may even disappoint me from time to time. But would I want them to suffer, do without, hurt? No way! So why would I assume God would be any different?
I heard someone say that maybe we shouldn’t be asking God for ‘just enough’ – meaning, why do we ask Him for things like giving us just enough to live comfortably, or feel better, or pay our bills? We are children of God. We were made righteous by Christ. So we should claim it! We have power through Christ!
So I recently sat down and had a lengthy conversation with my Father. And I laid it all at the feet of my Savior. It finally made sense to me! I gave thanks. I cried. And rejoiced. And cried some more. But afterwards I felt so much lighter and I could definitely feel a difference. The burdens were gone.
Very shortly after that…things started happening for me:
First of all, I hurt my back carrying something at work that was WAY to heavy. And I was laying in bed on the 3rd night of the worst pain I have ever been in. But through the misery – I kept repeating thanks over and over for the healing. And sure enough, the pain went away without seeking medical care.
Every time I found my mind wanting to head down in the dumps or start with the negative thoughts – I would correct myself and say thanks to my Father. I gave thanks for my healing (we are healed by his stripes….) and thanks for His provision. Let me tell you….it was not – and still isn’t – a natural or automatic thing for me. I am so used to thinking ‘here we go again’ or something negative…and then gearing up to deal with it. So, I have had to repeat many, many times that I do not have to carry the burden….God’s got this!
Next, I got a call from someone that I have always considered a mentor of mine. I had worked with him in the past and though we parted ways years ago, I would still do some ‘virtual assistant’ jobs for him from time to time. I also know his boss – the owner of the company in which he works now – from that same time period in our past. He asked me to stop in to help them with some personnel issues. I agreed.
When I got there, both of them were there telling me about how some things had changed within the company – and they wanted to offer me a job!!! You have to understand – I have wanted to work for them for years! And here it was, out of the clear blue, being offered! Needless to say, I accepted the job.
Within the first week – I was given a raise…to cover the healthcare premiums – so that it wouldn’t cut into my take home pay. Can you believe that!? I was also assured that I would be getting my pay bumped up very soon.
Then came the realization that I was most likely going to lose my insurance on my home – due to ‘forgetting’ (Fibro Fog) to pay it…and my first check was coming in exactly one week later than the cut-off date. Again I found myself starting to get stressed. But I reminded myself that God’s got this….and I was just along for the ride.
Sure enough – no quicker had those thoughts crossed my mind when my boss asked me how I was with the gap between my last job’s payday and this one. I told him I was figuring it out. He told me to give him a figure and he would advance it to me. I did. He did. When I asked about re-paying it…..I was told not to worry about it right now. So, house insurance was paid – literally within 4 hours of it being cancelled!
For many – this may sound like small potatoes….but for me – this is huge! For the first time in my life, I feel that things are going to be good for me! I no longer feel like I screwed up and therefore it is what it is! Of course there will still be things to come up and I will probably have to remind myself another few hundred times to let things go….but I’m confident that it will become easier as I’m growing and learning more!
Next on my list is my health – again, I’ve spoken with God about this and I am confident that my body is repairing itself and I will no longer suffer. For now, I find that when I’m getting caught up in the ‘unbelief’ – my Fibro starts acting up. Once I claim healing and refuse to worry about the situation the symptoms recede. I believe that for now this is my little reminder to help get me back on track. But I also fully believe that I am healed and that my healthy body will manifest once I learn to accept the gift given to me.
And finally…..relationships. I’m not sure where I’m going here yet. But I’m trusting God to lead me. At the moment, with all of the pain and mistrust I’ve experienced in this area….I do not want an intimate relationship with another man…ever! But at the same time, I find myself lonely and wishing for companionship. However, I will wait on my Father and see what He has in mind for me. Maybe it’s more than I can ever dream of…..or maybe I’m not supposed to have another man in my life….either way, I’m good with that.
F.R.O.G. = Fully Relying On God…..that’s the fun part….once you learn to relax and go with it!
Lots of things have taken place of late (since March). All have been quite emotional and has taken me on quite the journey of soul-searching and learning.
Without notice, my employer laid several people off – and I was included in that group. My supervisor called me while I was on vacation to break the news to me. The layoffs were effective immediately.
I found myself having to work through quite a few emotions during that time. I’ve been laid-off before…but this one hit me a little differently. If you have read previous posts – you know that I’ve struggled to get back on my feet after the divorce. I literally had nothing financially – I was living paycheck to paycheck. The day that I got the call was also a payday. And that was the day I had been working towards – I FINALLY got out of that dreadful financial hole and was looking forward to breathing a little easier – until I got the phone call, that is.
So, needless to say, it took the wind out of my sail – as the saying goes. I was devastated. I found myself starting to worry about what I was going to do. I was also a tad bitter. You see, I was the ONLY person in my entire department who was cross-trained in all other positions. Therefore, it didn’t make sense that I was one of them to go. I learned later that the decisions were strictly on a whim made by the owners who had no real clue as to who did what….rather they went with the good old ‘seniority’ excuse. Hmph! I also have some other emotions tied up in this – but I choose not to dwell on them and therefore, I won’t bother with them here.
For the most part – I only allowed myself to ‘grieve’ my loss for 3 days. No more. No wallowing allowed. I immediately started the process for filing for unemployment (which I have never done before) and job searching.
I was given a small severance package of 4 weeks’ pay when I was laid off. So – God took me on a journey of trust and faith. Not knowing how long I might be unemployed – I didn’t want to take a chance of losing my home. So I took the severance and was able to completely pay off my mortgage (no, the pay wasn’t that huge….I was just that close to being finished with the note). That left just enough to get me through about a month if I was careful.
During this time, I completely kept my eyes on my Savior and trusted Him fully to take care of me and my son. It was actually a very pleasant and healing time for me. My health improved. I relaxed for the first time in ages. It was wonderful!
It all came to a close WAY to quickly for me! But exactly to the day that I ran out of money (unemployment had not kicked in yet) – I started a new job – though the pay was considerably less than I was making in my previous job. This is as I suspected – I was going to have to accept a lower paying job because they just aren’t paying around here anymore. But I’m so grateful that it all worked out. I thank God for always taking good care of me/us!
I must admit though – I find myself feeling a little down from time to time. Some people will not understand this next part – but it is how I feel. You see, I have always thought that I would marry and have a husband who took care of me and our family. Again as you know if you have read other posts here – that has not worked out for me. That still saddens me. Don’t get me wrong – I am not a gold digger or anything. But I sure didn’t think that I would be in the position that I am now, at my age, in having to take a job because of money and the need to make ends meet rather than because I love it. And honestly…..I’m tired of being the one to carry that burden.
Another emotional roller coaster I’ve been on lately – is the care of my son this summer. I’ve always had him in an excellent childcare facility during the summer. My daughter went there when she was young as well. However, with all of the above-mentioned issues – I simply am not in a position to pay for the childcare this year. My ex-husband is the type of person to cut costs no matter what – so I could not count on him to take up the slack. He did however agree to keep our son this summer. You see, he now owns his own computer repair business.
Under normal circumstances – this would be a perfect solution. But – in reality what that means is that my dear 8 year old son will be sitting in front of a computer monitor day in and day out for 9+ hours each playing some pretty graphic military computer games (that I do not approve of). There is no talking to the ex about this – been there, done that. He won’t listen nor cooperate.
In addition to that, my daughter and her husband have made the decision to move out of town. Initially, I was excited for them – believing that they have so many more opportunities there than here. As a matter of fact, if it weren’t for my father living here – and my not wanting to leave him alone – I would probably live down that way too.
But now, with one week left to go before the big move, I am finding myself feeling lonely and sad already. Yes, I know, I know….it’s to be expected. As a matter of fact, I did the same thing when I was her age – except I moved out of state. I remember my dad calling me once to ask me to call more often because my mom was down in the dumps all of the time. I did. And I made it about 5 years before I came back to Texas…to home.
And finally….though I do not ever want to complain about what God has provided….I find myself feeling down about my new job. It seems that a majority of the people there are unhappy employees. I have worked in that type of atmosphere before and don’t care to do it again. It is too emotionally draining. I keep telling myself that it is simply people struggling to adjust to growing pains of the company and to change. But the longer I’m there….the harder it gets to keep saying that. So I pray that God will lead me….that He will guide me in the direction I should go.
On a positive note though:
One: It’s Memorial Day weekend! Woohoo! May God bless all of our military – those who protect us now and those who have protected us in the past. Thank God for all who have served and died.
Two: It has been raining for 3 days now! We have been in drought conditions for a few years now – so this has been a great blessing! They say we would need 18+ inches within the next 6 months to pull us out of the drought – which is doubtful……but hey, at least it’s a start!
Take care….see you next time!
I just got the following email from my daughter who is almost 22 and getting ready to move to another part of the state in about 3 weeks:
I wanna take this time to tell you just how much you mean to me. This Mother’s Day is gonna be a very bitter sweet day. I want to make it a very special one.
We are about to start a new journey and we are so excited we can’t hardly stand it. But, one thing has me very scared and sad, I won’t be close to you. Looking through cards and gifts for Mother’s day caused me to tear up at everything I looked at and made me realize just how much I will miss you.
You have been there for me through thick and thin. You have always supported me and pushed me to be the best I could be. You have helped me through emotional triumphs and with my faith. You did absolutely everything right! You couldn’t have possibly done anything better for me. You have given me everything even when we had nothing. You made my life perfect!
It started out with just you and I, by ourselves, then we welcomed K— and A—- to the group. I love them both but I will never be as close to them as I am to you. It was just us for so long that we share a special bond that I would NEVER trade. You are my best friend and the world’s best mother.
You have had a bad hand and I can’t explain to you how unfair that is and how it hurts me to see you get that bad hand. I do know that only you would have the strength to withstand it all. I hope that when I become a mother that I will have even half the strength you have. I hope to lead my children down the right path to God just as you have lead me. You and I have been through so much and I can’t tell you how grateful I am for every single one of those moments.
I wanted to let you know just how much you mean to me for Mother’s Day and there is plenty more to come. I just wanted to give a little piece of how I feel. We will have to have face time dates and look at going to women’s conferences once a year. I want K— to come with us to those but sometime I want to go on Mother Daughter trips just the two of us, the original team.I love you Mom, more than you will every know.