Call Me the Clay

It’s 2014…..can you believe it!?  Another year has flown by already.  This year will mark many changes for me – some of them will be bittersweet.

I’m not one to do New Year’s resolutions or anything like that – for me it has always simply been a new number on the calendar and that was it.  But not this year – not 2014.  Why?  Let me tell you…

My 21-year-old daughter and her hubby have finally made the decision to move out of town.  They are moving to ‘the big city’ in search of fulfilling their dreams.  I don’t blame them.  As a matter of fact, I told my daughter that recently.  She mentioned moving and wondering what it would be like and whether there would be more opportunities.  I told her that if I were her age and had the chance – I would give it a try.  They don’t have children right now and they aren’t tied to a mortgage….so now is the time to go and spread wings!  Of course at the same time, I will miss them terribly.  And it will be weird not having her so close.

Of course I will have a good excuse for getting my tail out of town once in a while – that’s exciting!  But it will be hard.  I feel that she is my strongest ‘connection’ I have to another earthy being.  Don’t worry – I don’t mean that I am all-consumed with my daughter and her life….she lives her own life here and I don’t interfere.  But we are close – we are friends and we are in a good place with each other.

2014….here we are a mere 14 days into the year and my poor son has had quite a tumultuous beginning.  He just turned a big 8 years old!  Side Note: Do you know how hard it is to have a great Christmas for a child and then turn around and have a memorable birthday in less than 10 days afterwards!? Ugh!

So my little fella had a rough time starting this year.  He keeps telling me that it was ‘the best Christmas ever, Mom!’ – which of course does my heart good.  But my ex-husband and I split up in 2010.  Since that time, the ex has been out of the country with his new love during Christmas on into the beginning of January each year.  That means he has missed our son’s birthday. 

This year, his father decided to stay in town/country and have his honey join him here.  He then decides that he is going to basically take over the birthday party planning – and I let him….let him foot some of the cost for a change!  Long story short – dad had his times wrong about when he set the party up at the facility – so many of the guests arrived too early.  Here we are – my son, my daughter and myself – trying to work something out with the people at the facility to accommodate the guests early…..and dad was nowhere in sight (he arrived late). Then we discover that the party room was set up for a girl…..so they had to take the decorations down and re-do everything real quick.

Then when they finally got around to the birthday cake – my ex’s family has a tradition of smashing your face in the cake – don’t ask me why…I never have understood it.  My son experienced this when he was 2 yrs. old and the look on his face broke my heart – they all speak Spanish and my son and I do not….so he had no clue that they were going to do it or why.  So at this year’s party, dad sticks to the tradition – and again, my son is bewildered….but also embarrassed because here are all his friends seeing this and laughing…..and again he has no idea why it is done.  He then comes running out of the room to look for me (I had taken a child to find his mother) with cake on his face and crying.

After the party – it was planned that our son would stay the night with his dad and come home the following day.  When he arrived home the following evening I discovered that he and his father had it out….apparently it was like a war zone at his house.  Sadly, at 8 years old, my son told his daddy that he hated him and never wanted to stay with him again.  Since then, dad has called to apologize and I even took him by dad’s place to drop off some papers thinking it would give them a chance to visit.  Nope.  My son is simply not interested right now.

And finally, to top things off – my son came down sick this week and has had to make a visit to the doctor’s office.  Let’s hope it gets better for him soon!

In addition to all of this…..I will be turning the big 5-0 this year.  Now how depressing is THAT!?!?!?!  I don’t FEEL like I should be that old.  I don’t WANT to be that old.  And it certainly makes you think about life.

I have always said that I have no regrets about my life.  Disappointments – yes, but not regrets.  But now I’m thinking there are a few things that I wish I had done differently.  I think that is probably because I had a different idea of where I would be at this point in my life….and honestly, being an overweight, single mom was not even close!

I really didn’t expect to be in a position of having to work full time at this point either.  Now, don’t go throwing rocks at me….but my mom worked because she wanted to and I guess I assumed it would be the same for me.  And I envisioned having a good man in my life who desired to be a friend, partner, lover, supporter and companion.  I think that part is my biggest regret.

I am without a doubt thankful for my children – and had I not been through what I have – they would not exist.  It is because of this that I will never ‘wish’ it didn’t happen…..but I regret that I am not married for the long haul.

And I regret that I allowed myself to be physically unhealthy.  I was always really thin and never had to worry about my weight.  But when ‘something’ in my body changed, I was not prepared.  I didn’t know how to eat healthy and that exercise would be crucial until it was too late.  And try as I might now…..I am having a terrible time at this.  I often wish I had someone to go through the process together with – but I don’t.  So if I do this, I am on my own.

I also thought I would be more financially set by now.  Through the many ordeals of my life and starting over so many times….I have nothing.  I live paycheck to paycheck.  I am putting some into a retirement plan….but too little too late if you ask me. 

On the flip side of all of this though….

For the most part, I am happy.  I enjoy my family though I wish we could spend more time together.  I like my job.  I have my own home and transportation (though it is pretty iffy at times – LOL) and I’m still kickin’!

So every day I thank my Father above that I am surviving.  I thank Him for taking care of us and for what I believe is headed our way.  I don’t give up and I never will.

Here’s to hoping that you too, dear reader, will have a very blessed 2014!