Call Me the Clay

Amazing Love

I watched a movie on Netflix called ‘Amazing Love – The Story of Hosea’ last night.  Have you seen it?  Even heard of it?  I was surprised to find out that this movie came out in 2012 because it felt like an older movie.  I say this because the acting wasn’t great and it was a bit on the cheesy side in the beginning.  But at the same time it had a magnificent story about God’s love in it too!  This story is not exactly from the bible, but rather how a specific story in the bible may have taken place – the behind the scenes story – maybe.  And, it teaches about unconditional love and faith put in a way that many have never heard it.  I recommend this movie for sure – but please make sure you stick it out – the campfire story is well worth it!

Power Thoughts

I have been listening to Joyce Meyer a lot lately.  I tend to relate with her on many levels – sometimes it feels like we have lived the same life (except I was not sexually abused as she was growing up).  She talks about thoughts and actions that I have experienced in a way that I fully relate to.  And knowing her past makes one think that if she could rise above all that she did – then I really have no excuse for not doing the same.

However, she has been speaking about how our thought life makes all the difference.  I’ve written about this in past posts before – but it just keeps hitting home with me.  I always have good intentions to start thinking more positively – I really do.  But then when I hear another message like Joyce’s I realize that I haven’t been doing it as well as I would like.

I find myself frustrated.  Whether it be ‘old habits die hard’ or ‘immature Christianity’ or whatever it may be – I’m tired.  I’m lost.  I’m saddened.  I’m……I don’t know.  My inclination is that I need to read more of God’s word until its ingrained in me – but I struggle with this because God’s word is not comforting or helpful when I read it on my own.

Let me clarify this – I like to read – a lot.  I grew up ‘living’ in books.  But reading the bible is different.  Everything I read in it seems condescending or someone making sad pleas to God for something or cold or negative.  Now when I listen to people teaching – yes, I can then see their interpretation of the same scriptures I’ve read.  But isn’t that dangerous?  To rely on another human being – seems like a good way to be misled!

So what is it?  Is Satan messing with me?  Am I allowing him to constantly keep me in negative thinking so I cannot grow?  Maybe I’m being too critical of myself? Or is it something else?  I do not believe that God would keep me at arm’s length so-to-speak for this many years.  I’ve been trying to break through and have victory over this for more than 20 years, folks.  I have been searching for God’s input and His direction.  I long for Him to take over my life and to do His will.  So what is it?

And surely I’m not the only one on the face of this earth that has struggled with this.  Right?  But I have yet to find anyone who can relate.  Oh sure, I get those well-meaning people who try to offer advice in how to pray before reading, what to read and what to ask God for while reading…..and I’m grateful for that.  But ultimately I don’t seem to be making any progress in this area.

Prayer Power

All the while struggling with the above – I still believe and have witnessed answered prayers.  God does indeed take care of His children – and that includes me.  I have no doubt.  And no one will ever change my mind about that.

I believe that prayer is not necessarily that you go sit in a corner somewhere with your head bowed and your hands together.  For me – it is more of a constant conversation with God throughout my day.  And it is not just asking for things either.  It should be thanking Him for even the smallest things or simply talking with Him as if you can see Him sitting there beside you.

I’m not completely there yet – but I’m getting closer all of the time.  I do talk with Him throughout my day – but not quite as often as I wish I would.  Some days I get to the end and then realize I haven’t spoken to Him much.  But other days I do – and if is awesome!

Healthy Lifestyle Changes

Changing gears now – I want to mention something about making healthy lifestyle changes.  We’ve all heard it.  Diets don’t work – it must be a lifestyle change.  Everyone talks about it – and there are many who have successfully made those changes.  I, for one, am having a terrible time with that.

But before you go judging me – let me set the stage for you.  I like vegetables.  I like fruit.  I like nuts.  I love Mexican food.  I don’t like fish/seafood.  I cannot swallow Hummus (tried it – can’t do it).  I don’t like strong seasonings/flavorings.

My problem?  Well, I don’t know what to do with my very limited budget, my extremely finicky 7-year old son, my limited knowledge of variety and cooking skills and time.  Honestly I find that when I switch my foods to ‘healthy’ – it lasts for less than a week and then I am feeling so un-satisfied and unsettled I don’t know what to do with myself!

In a previous post I mentioned doing a detox of sorts and mainly eating vegetables.  I did start feeling better and it was working for a while.  But then something kicked in and festered up my Fibromyalgia like never before.  At first I thought it was the diet.  Then I decided that maybe it was the supplements that they had me taking instead.  At any rate – I still haven’t gotten myself straightened out from it and that started back in April.  Needless to say – I am really, really struggling now because besides being overweight the Fibro is causing constant pain and I can’t concentrate.

I recently watched a video on people who were juicing and the testimonies of how their physical well-being has improved.  This piques my interest except that I tried the juicing thing years ago and it was costly.  The juicer was expensive, it took a lot to juice enough veggies/fruits for a glass of juice and cleanup was time consuming.   So I thought that maybe the one that actually blends/grinds/pulverizes the whole fruit/vegetable might be better.  I got one.  I like the way it works.  However – I find that I am having an extremely difficult time getting a full glass down – never mind multiple glasses in a day!  I simply do not like the strong taste of ‘green’ things.

So, I’m not sure where that leaves me now.  Back to square one, I guess.