Call Me the Clay

I’ve read LOADS of things about quality of life, pursuing your dreams, etc.  It is very inspiring.  But my problem is that I don’t know where my heart is.  Not really.

I always wonder why I don’t know.  I consider myself a pretty self-confident person.  I have strong morals.  I’m committed.  But why don’t I know what I really, really want for my life?  Is it because of my upbringing? Fear? Am I simply a lazy bum?

My parents have always been committed, driven people.  They never gave up.  They were hard workers.  And as far as I know….they’ve been happy and satisfied with their lives.  Now my mom was a perfectionist for most of my youth – and so of course, I picked up that trait.  I couldn’t take getting low grades or messing up.  I have to admit as an adult I look back and see that the pressure was too much.  But at the time, it was simply life.

As mentioned in previous posts, we moved around a lot.  Again, I didn’t realize it at the time – but I can look back now and think that maybe I never really got attached to people because of that.  Don’t get me wrong – I always had friends and was well-liked.  But when it was time to move – we moved.  And I was on to the new friends.  There were only about 4 or 5 that I attempted to keep in touch with after we left town.  So, could that be part of the reason why I have not been able to identify any one thing that I truly have a strong desire to do?

There are many, many things that I enjoy doing.  There are many others things I often think I’d like to do.  But nothing stands out enough for me to pursue it full-time.  That bugs the heck outta me.

Whatever the reason for my lack of knowledge or insight….I am going to start praying for guidance.  I want to ask God what He would have me to do.  I need a purpose in my life now that I am ‘starting over’ again.

Will keep you posted…