I’ve read LOADS of things about quality of life, pursuing your dreams, etc. It is very inspiring. But my problem is that I don’t know where my heart is. Not really.
I always wonder why I don’t know. I consider myself a pretty self-confident person. I have strong morals. I’m committed. But why don’t I know what I really, really want for my life? Is it because of my upbringing? Fear? Am I simply a lazy bum?
My parents have always been committed, driven people. They never gave up. They were hard workers. And as far as I know….they’ve been happy and satisfied with their lives. Now my mom was a perfectionist for most of my youth – and so of course, I picked up that trait. I couldn’t take getting low grades or messing up. I have to admit as an adult I look back and see that the pressure was too much. But at the time, it was simply life.
As mentioned in previous posts, we moved around a lot. Again, I didn’t realize it at the time – but I can look back now and think that maybe I never really got attached to people because of that. Don’t get me wrong – I always had friends and was well-liked. But when it was time to move – we moved. And I was on to the new friends. There were only about 4 or 5 that I attempted to keep in touch with after we left town. So, could that be part of the reason why I have not been able to identify any one thing that I truly have a strong desire to do?
There are many, many things that I enjoy doing. There are many others things I often think I’d like to do. But nothing stands out enough for me to pursue it full-time. That bugs the heck outta me.
Whatever the reason for my lack of knowledge or insight….I am going to start praying for guidance. I want to ask God what He would have me to do. I need a purpose in my life now that I am ‘starting over’ again.
Will keep you posted…