Call Me the Clay

Part of having Fibromyalgia is insomnia.  So here I am, knowing I need to be sleeping because I do have to get up and go to work tomorrow….but I can’t! Grrrrrr!  So, I thought I would do as I promised and give you a little bit of history on myself.

I don’t usually talk about this much because I’m not proud of my track record.  But, in order to make it thru this journey I’m on, I probably need to revisit my background just a tad.

I grew up moving around all over the United States.  My dad worked on the pipeline and therefore, we traveled constantly.  It was a decision that my parents made early on – that IF he were to take the job, WE as a family would stick together.  A lot of families would only be with the men during the summer months and then go back ‘home’ during the school year.  Not us.  And I have NO complaints, whatsoever!  I LOVED it!

Dad made good money too.  So we never wanted for anything.  I was extremely shy….but because people were drawn to me, I could usually make friends quickly.  It’s funny, but I can recall places we’ve been and certain incidences that took place.  But for the most part – my childhood is pretty much a blur.  And I’m not sure why that is.

My mother was an alcoholic.  I didn’t even realize that until I was in 6th grade.  I remember thinking that she was ‘scary’ sometimes, but I just took that as being who she was.  It wasn’t until my dad took a job overseas and we stayed behind for two years – that things started becoming clear.

Mom was not a falling down drunk.  Nor was she a slob.  Instead, she was always very well put together, sharp, kept a spotless home.  No one knew.  But I suppose that as the loneliness set in while Dad was gone, things got outta hand.

My brother is 7 yrs older than me – and he always seemed to get the brunt of her rage.  Once I realized what was ‘wrong’ with Mom, I figured out why he was always ‘out’ – away from home.  It didn’t take me long to follow his example.  As a matter of fact, at 11 & 12 years old, I was out walking the town at all hours of the night – just to avoid dealing with her.

She wasn’t physically abusive – although I can recall a couple of times that she would sit and ‘stew’ about something in the middle of the night.  Then, you would find yourself being yanked outta bed by your hair so she could accuse you of whatever it was that had her fired up.  I recall her trying to slap my brother on more than one occasion too.

There is only two specific, life-changing events during this period that I can recall.  I don’t know if as a defense mechanism, my mind has shut the rest out or what.  I haven’t figured that one out just yet.

One:  I don’t recall my age – but can say that I was still young enough that I didn’t know why Mom was ‘weird’ acting.  It was just who she was to me.  Dad was outta town for the night.  So I wanted to sleep with her.  She said that was fine.  I recall getting settled in, the lights were out and I rolled over to glance at my mom.  I saw VERY clearly, the most evil, scary look from my mom.  It scared the hell outta me.  I still cry to this day whenever I think of it.  I don’t know if it was the devil or not….but it’s the closest thing I’ve seen!  All I can say is that it was NOT my mom looking at me.  And the evil in her eyes was very clear and bright.  I never slept in her room again.  Years later – my mom would tell you that she truly believes that Satan had a tight grip on her back then.

Two:  I was 12 yrs old.  We had to enter a project into the Science Fair and one into the History Fair.  I did – but it wasn’t easy.  Dad had not been back from overseas for very long – but I recall trying to sit at the kitchen table to work on my project one night.  My mom was on a rage and reached over to smack my brother.  She missed and hit his glass of milk instead.  Which in turn went all over my project.  Then in her feeble attempt to clean it up – she smashed half of it.  I remember my dad stepping in about that time and telling her not to ever touch either of us again.

Then, the night that the kids and families were to go to the school to see the results of the judging.  Dad was outta town for a couple of days on a small job – we hadn’t started traveling as a family again yet.  That night, Mom was wiped out.  She started in on me on the way to the school.  So whenever we got to a stop sign, I jumped out of the car and walked away.  She sped off.  I ended up going to the school alone.  I found that I had won 1st place on my Science project & 2nd place on my History project.  But I had no one to share the joy with.  No one ever knew either.

To this day – both of those incidences stand out.  The recall jumps up at the oddest times.

I can tell you that my dad ended up putting my mom in a treatment center the summer between my 6th & 7th grade.  She was gone for a month.  My brother had already moved out – so it was just me and Dad.  I was in heaven!  I loved it – and so when they called my dad in to tell him that it didn’t look like the program was working for my mom, I was also glad.  I wanted her to die.  The problem is, back then it was almost impossible for the husband to get custody of the kids.  So, my dad had a choice, they said.  Divorce her and move on, but know that he would most likely have to leave me with her.  Or ride it out and wait for her to drink herself to death.  He chose the latter.

But, somewhere in that very last week of rehab, something clicked for Mom.  I was NOT happy.  I didn’t want her back.  I hated her.  And I was devastated that the peace I finally had was going to be yanked away from me once again.

She worked her program though.  And eventually we all worked through our fears and pains and was able to become a family.  We forgave each other.  Well, except my brother.  And I don’t think he has ever gotten past most of it.  I think it is because by the time all of this happened, he was out of the house and therefore he never got to see her improvement up close.  She never drank again, btw.  It was definitely for life for her.

Okay, well I will continue a little later.  I believe that I will now attempt to go to bed once again!

Talk to you soon!