Call Me the Clay

So I’ve mentioned that I’m overweight.  I’m 100 lbs. overweight as a matter of fact.  And I hate it.  I’m miserable.  So do something about it – right!?  That’s what the soon-to-be-ex husband says.

It’s just not that simple.  First of all, one has to find out WHY they got where they are in the first place.  And to be honest, I’m not completely sure.  I have done a little soul-searching on myself from time to time and this is what I have so far:

I was always thin growing up.  Too thin, many thought.  I was simply comfortable and who I was.  I never worried about what I ate or when I ate.  We usually sat down to eat whenever the mood struck or hunger except for supper time.  Mom always cooked a yummy supper.

Not to sound egotistical, but I was also very attractive.  Cute when I was a kid.  Pretty when I entered middle school.  And according to most – pretty darned hot by the time I hit high school.

I didn’t start actually gaining weight (meaning too much weight) until after college and I got married.  Yes, I know.  I know.  People always say that about marriage and weight-gain.  But hang on!

I have no idea if any of this is really related or not…..but I’ve thought about it and wonder if there is a connection.  No, not wonder….I’m pretty sure there is.  I just haven’t figured out what else there is that might be a reason for my weight issues.

Here is what I have discovered:  I recall when what I thought were hunger pains started – I mean like, wanting to eat when it wasn’t my usual time to eat.  I remember wondering why in the world I wanted to eat and craving things just because.  Now, I didn’t actually go ahead and pig out or anything….but it was definitely present in me.  And that was when I first started having sex in high school.  Like I said, I haven’t gotten it all figured out yet….but I do believe there is a connection somehow.

My true weight issues started once I was married.  And it came on fast.  I got married for all the wrong reasons and out of depression, I ate.  I became an emotional eater.  And the more I hurt, the more I gained weight.  And of course it all became a vicious cycle.

At that time, it wasn’t like I had really gained that much.  I was pushing it….but not so much that I was really considered overweight.  But I felt HUGE.  I felt miserable – which only fed the cycle more.

I maintained that 25-30 extra lbs for years.  Then when I had my first child, it was like my body had a major negative reaction and I simply blew up!  I remember my mom saying she did the same thing when she was pregnant (but she always lost it right after – she was never overweight).  I had loads of complications all through the pregnancy and in the end swore I’d never have another child because of it – of course, if you’ve read my bio, you know that I did have another – but it took me 14 yrs to do it again!

I never lost a pound after the pregnancy and slowly gained a little more.  I then maintained that weight for almost 13 years.  Now, I do have to say that during this time – I cannot tell you that I ‘struggled’ with my weight.  Yes, I wanted to lose weight and yes, I was miserable.  BUT – I believe there was an underlying reason why there was no effort on my part.

You see, I had always dated and had a boyfriend in school.  I never went without one.  This alone gave me a sense of power and pride.  But it also gave me security (now I know it was false security).  However, I now see that because of this, I never really knew who I was.

Another thing:  I found it to be a constant battle with guys/men.  You see, because of my looks and my body (all the right curves) – guys were always after me.  No one really wanted to know ME.  They just wanted the arm-candy or a roll in the hay or both.  Sure, some would say they wanted friendship and/or a meaningful relationship, but they never could keep it that way.

So, I believe that on some level, I chose (not knowingly) to remain overweight because for the first time in my life the guys left me alone.  Therefore, in some way, I believe that this was my shield.  My protection against rejection, dishonesty, pain which I usually experienced with the guys I met.  I was just shy and timid enough to never know how to be confident and say ‘no’ to guys.

When I chose to have another child, I again gained weight.  But this time I lost that which I gained.  I went back to where I was prior to pregnancy which was still overweight.

So here I am now.  Overweight, 45 years old and desperately needing to do something about it.  I’m done with being miserable.  I’m done with allowing guys to tell me my worth/value.  I’m done with not living life to the fullest.  I’m done with the aches and pains and ill health.

Now I just have to figure out HOW to lose the weight……