Tag Archive | emotions

Journey Down Memory Lane & Back

Mixed emotions.  That is what I have been experiencing lately.  Like a roller-coaster, up on minute, down the next.  Funny how going down memory lane can bring back emotions as if you were back in that time.  It kind of wears you out to be up one moment and then deeply saddened in the very next one.

My daughter and her husband were in town for the weekend.  The trip was quick and of course it went by way too quickly!  We have always been close – and this move has been rough on both of us.  No more dropping in on each other or calling and saying “let’s do lunch” anymore.  So we go from being anxious for days building up to their arrival – to great joy when they get here – and then a crash when they have to leave again.  It’s like mourning all over again.  Each time.
One thing for sure – we definitely appreciate our time together.  We value family and never take each other for granted.  My family has always been close and will always have each others’ back no matter what happens.  I never have understood how people can get ticked off at another family member and then simply cut off all ties.  That’s so sad!
Going down memory lane has been a bit more difficult on me lately.  We all take a stroll into our past from time to time.  Maybe it’s a song that you used to listen to when you were younger.  Or you see a book you read.  And maybe you run into an old classmate.  Whatever it is – it slams you right back into that time period for a few moments.
I find that Facebook has brought about a lot of those little strolls.  Whenever I re-connect with someone from my past.  The older I get – the more I value and appreciate those connections.  There are a few connections that surprise me.  They are the ones that humble me for various reasons.
Recently I reconnected with my first love.  I thought of him a lot through the years and often wondered whatever happened to him.  I honestly wasn’t sure that he was even alive as he was a mess the last time I ran into him.  As a matter of fact, after talking with him that night so long ago – I remember telling my friend I didn’t think he would live long.  So it has been a real joy to see that he did make it – and that his life is good.  My emotions run high with this experience though.
I guess it’s the Fibro Fog again – but for the life of me I cannot recall the specifics of why I broke up with him – other than being young and dumb.  He tells me that I was the only one to break his heart.  And that makes me feel really awful.  Yes, we were young and it’s all part of life….but that is no real excuse.  I regret that I caused him pain.  I regret that I didn’t know what I was doing back then.  And in some ways I regret letting him go.
It seems we both have lived through a lot.  Gone through tough times and survived.  For that I am grateful.  I really enjoy chatting with him and getting to know him all over again.  However, with that brings a lot of mixed feelings.   I find myself being like a school girl anxiously awaiting to hear from him again.  And at the same time – we live totally different lives in different cities.  Too much time has passed and we are different people now.  We can’t go back.  So then I feel like an idiot, ya know?
I’m sure it is the reminiscing about what used to be.  And what could have been.  And being single again.  But as mentioned in past blog posts – I have no intentions of getting into another relationship other than simple friendship.  So what the heck is up with my crazy emotions?!
At any rate – I am thankful for the people God has placed in my life.  And for the special times/connections that I have.  I am thankful that God has always had my back…..after all we are family.
Speaking of God having my back…I have been experiencing much favor of late.  I believe the reason is not that I’m ‘doing’ the right thing now – as that would be relying on my works rather than His grace.  But rather that I am believing that He has already provided everything I need and so much more.  I only have to learn to receive His gifts!
So thank You, Father for always being there for me and mine!

Still On My Journey…Learning More…..Sometimes With My Heels Dug In…..

GE DIGITAL CAMERA

I can’t believe I haven’t posted anything since May – and here it is October! A lot has been going on for sure. Some of it has been tough, but I lean heavily on God and He always sees me through!

As mentioned in this previous post, my daughter and son-in-law moved down south.  They are doing well though we are all missing each other like crazy.  My daughter had some serious home-sickness going on for a bit – but I think she is doing better now.

They both came back up a few weeks ago for a visit.  While here, many of their friends came out to the house for a little party.  It sure was fun seeing everyone together again!  And most recently they were here for the wedding of ‘my other daughter’ – as you may have read on previous posts….she is my daughter’s best friend.  They call each other ‘sister’ and I’m ‘Mom’ to her.

I also mentioned that the new job I got after being laid-off was not very enjoyable.  I didn’t want to complain about the job I had after losing the other one…but I was miserable.  I didn’t want to come across as being ungrateful. It was during this time though, that I started learning that I was not leaning on God as much as I thought.

I was so ‘worried’ about being laid-off that I grabbed the first job that came along rather than praying about it and relying on God to open doors for me.  Again, which has been typical in my life, I was trying to be in control and manipulate my situation.

If you read this earlier post of mine, then you will understand my thought process here.  Of course it wasn’t until after I started the new job and began to reflect on my situation that I came to realize that I was still struggling with ‘unbelief’. Though I had faith that God would provide, my unbelief came about in thinking that I needed to jump on that job because there might not be another offer rather than waiting on Him.  So I spent almost 6 months in a job that I was unhappy with and that was not a good fit – for me or the employer.

During this time, I kept studying and learning about God’s grace and His desire to provide for us, His children.  Most recently it dawned on me….

Just as an earthly parent, God does not want His children to suffer, be ill, in pain or live in poverty.  He wants only the best for us.  I have always said I believed that….but I think deep down I always felt like I wasn’t living up to whatever it was in my mind that I thought I should be or be doing for Him.  I felt that because I was ‘failing’ or falling short of what I thought He wanted….then why would He shower me with abundance?  If I couldn’t take care of the little, why would He give me more?

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not talking about doing ‘works’ in order to get to heaven.  But just as with my own children….they may do things that are not what I would choose for them…and they may even disappoint me from time to time.  But would I want them to suffer, do without, hurt?  No way!  So why would I assume God would be any different?

I heard someone say that maybe we shouldn’t be asking God for ‘just enough’ – meaning, why do we ask Him for things like giving us just enough to live comfortably, or feel better, or pay our bills?  We are children of God.  We were made righteous by Christ.  So we should claim it!  We have power through Christ!

So I recently sat down and had a lengthy conversation with my Father.  And I laid it all at the feet of my Savior. It finally made sense to me! I gave thanks.  I cried. And rejoiced.  And cried some more.  But afterwards I felt so much lighter and I could definitely feel a difference.  The burdens were gone.

Very shortly after that…things started happening for me:

First of all, I hurt my back carrying something at work that was WAY to heavy.  And I was laying in bed on the 3rd night of the worst pain I have ever been in.  But through the misery – I kept repeating thanks over and over for the healing.  And sure enough, the pain went away without seeking medical care.

Every time I found my mind wanting to head down in the dumps or start with the negative thoughts – I would correct myself and say thanks to my Father.  I gave thanks for my healing (we are healed by his stripes….) and thanks for His provision. Let me tell you….it was not – and still isn’t – a natural or automatic thing for me.  I am so used to thinking ‘here we go again’ or something negative…and then gearing up to deal with it.  So, I have had to repeat many, many times that I do not have to carry the burden….God’s got this!

Next, I got a call from someone that I have always considered a mentor of mine.  I had worked with him in the past and though we parted ways years ago, I would still do some ‘virtual assistant’ jobs for him from time to time.  I also know his boss – the owner of the company in which he works now – from that same time period in our past.  He asked me to stop in to help them with some personnel issues.  I agreed.

When I got there, both of them were there telling me about how some things had changed within the company – and they wanted to offer me a job!!!  You have to understand – I have wanted to work for them for years!  And here it was, out of the clear blue, being offered!  Needless to say, I accepted the job.

Within the first week – I was given a raise…to cover the healthcare premiums – so that it wouldn’t cut into my take home pay. Can you believe that!?  I was also assured that I would be getting my pay bumped up very soon.

Then came the realization that I was most likely going to lose my insurance on my home – due to ‘forgetting’ (Fibro Fog) to pay it…and my first check was coming in exactly one week later than the cut-off date.  Again I found myself starting to get stressed.  But I reminded myself that God’s got this….and I was just along for the ride.

Sure enough – no quicker had those thoughts crossed my mind when my boss asked me how I was with the gap between my last job’s payday and this one.  I told him I was figuring it out.  He told me to give him a figure and he would advance it to me.  I did.  He did.  When I asked about re-paying it…..I was told not to worry about it right now.  So, house insurance was paid – literally within 4 hours of it being cancelled!

For many – this may sound like small potatoes….but for me – this is huge!  For the first time in my life, I feel that things are going to be good for me!  I no longer feel like I screwed up and therefore it is what it is!  Of course there will still be things to come up and I will probably have to remind myself another few hundred times to let things go….but I’m confident that it will become easier as I’m growing and learning more!

Next on my list is my health – again, I’ve spoken with God about this and I am confident that my body is repairing itself and I will no longer suffer.  For now, I find that when I’m getting caught up in the ‘unbelief’ – my Fibro starts acting up.  Once I claim healing and refuse to worry about the situation the symptoms recede.  I believe that for now this is my little reminder to help get me back on track.  But I also fully believe that I am healed and that my healthy body will manifest once I learn to accept the gift given to me.

And finally…..relationships.  I’m not sure where I’m going here yet.  But I’m trusting God to lead me.  At the moment, with all of the pain and mistrust I’ve experienced in this area….I do not want an intimate relationship with another man…ever!  But at the same time, I find myself lonely and wishing for companionship.  However, I will wait on my Father and see what He has in mind for me.  Maybe it’s more than I can ever dream of…..or maybe I’m not supposed to have another man in my life….either way, I’m good with that.

F.R.O.G. = Fully Relying On God…..that’s the fun part….once you learn to relax and go with it!

Fire Prompts Evacuations Near My Home…Again!

Fire Fire prompts evacuations in Tangle Aire.

These pics show you a little of what folks are going through.  It’s difficult to put into words what you feel when you see it up close.  When you see that it is heading towards your friends’ homes….or your own…..or your parents’ (as in my case).

It’s heart-wrenching.  It’s emotionally draining.  It’s scary.  It’s tiring.

All I can do is pray for everyone involved.  And thanking the fire rescue people who put their lives on the line for the rest of us!

Mind Games

WHY do people find it fun to play mind games on others?  I don’t mean little jokes for the enjoyment of everyone involved – to create laughter.  But the kind where they say or do things and then do a 180 or pretend like it never happened, etc.  It’s like they they get some sort of kick out of making others around them miserable.

That’s the way the hubby works.  It seems he enjoys saying one thing, then going back on his word.  And yet at the same time, he will let on like it was an innocent error.  OR make it out to be something that I made up or dreamed up.  Grrrrr!

I used to get frustrated about it but kept excusing it or forgiving it because of the differences in our backgrounds.  You know, like it takes a while to get in tune with each other.  But as the years went by, it became obvious that this was really something that he enjoyed doing.

To give you an example of the cruelty:  When my daughter was about 9 yrs old, she had been begging for an above-ground swimming pool for quite some time.  One day we were out shopping and he stated, “Hey D, you still want a swimming pool?”  Of course she gets excited and says yes.  He tells her to come with him.  We both follow him – she was so thrilled and I was totally stunned because I wasn’t expecting it.

So we all walk together to the pools.  He then says, “Okay – here, if you have the money, you can buy it.” Wha???????  Needless to say, she was crushed.  I was PO’d once I recovered from the shock.

Fast forward to this week.  I’ve already told you that he walked out a couple of weeks ago.  So we’ve agreed to remain cordial not only for our son, but because we work together.  We’ve done okay – not great, but okay.  For now, we had agreed on a specific schedule for who would keep our son on what days.  But, he tells me a couple of days ago that his mother would be in town for one day only – and it’s one of my days to keep “A”.

I agree to swap.  And therefore the plan is that hubby will pick up “A” at daycare after work today, keep him overnight and then the two of them will drive to a neighboring town about an hour away (where his sister lives and where his mother is going to stay).  Now, let me first say that when he first asked about the arrangement, he didn’t actually tell me that it would be in this other town.  He just let on like it was here in this town.

But, I overlook it and went with the arrangement even after I found out.  Then about 3:30 this afternoon – he calls to say that he can’t pick our son up tonite.  Wha????  “Okay” I say, “What happened?”  He says that he can’t drive his car that far (which is true, the transmission is going out) – and so he is riding with someone else.  Again, I agree.  I also have to drop my plans for the evening – but it’s my son, so I don’t mind.

He never mentions tomorrow.  So, I finally called him and he said that he would try to get his sister to stop by in the morning.  I try explaining to him that I need to know for sure so I know when to have “A” ready.  He says, “Just have him ready by 8:00.”  Now some of you may think I’m being a you-know-what, but I want to know who is taking my son.  AND, I don’t want to get him up and ready only to find that no one comes, you know?  So I tell him as much.  He finally agrees to make the arrangements and then call to confirm the details.

Finally about an hour ago, he texts me to say that “L” (one of his sisters) will be here at 8:00 to pick up our son.  This is the ONLY one in his family who does NOT have my permission to take care of my son, pick him up, drive with him in the car, etc.  He and I have agreed to this for years.  She is an air-head.  I’m pretty sure she likes her drugs from time to time.  She is in this country illegally.  And she drives worse than anyone I know!

So, tell me….WHY does he do things like this!?!?!  Of course I have to disagree and tell him ‘no’.  And what does he do?  Makes ME out to be the bad guy.  Good grief.   Just grow up and move on – that’s what I say!

Why am I dumping all this garbage here?  Just to say that I am really struggling to keep my emotions in check.  I’m really trying to be the bigger person and not fight with him.  I’m trying to forgive him as God would have me do.  And every darn time I think that things are finally on track, I’ve found peace with the situation……he pulls this stuff.

I simply do not understand what joy a person could get out of doing things like this.  Really.

So if you are a praying person – I would appreciate your prayers for our situation in that we could find a peaceful resolution to all of this.

And, now I’m tired….so I’m headed off to bed after I tuck my very disappointed little man into bed.  He was looking forward to seeing his grandma (Abuela).